Day #883

8:01 AM: I walked in to find Mrs. O’Leary on the phone with her sister…

You know, I walked out of my apartment with my sunglasses on and took the bus to the train stop. By the time I got out of the bus, it was time for me to take my sunglasses off and put on my regular glasses. THAT’s how cloudy it got that quickly… Yep… So I think we might be in for some rain.

And not one of them called you to say, “Hey, how are ya?”… Exactly… They’ve been angry since Mother died, let’s face it. That’s when all this shit really started. I’m sick of it… There ya go… Your BFF… When exactly is she going to put her place on the market? Not that I care, but…

I can’t afford more than two days in the hotel… No… Well, that’s very nice of you to offer, but I think two days is plenty… I did convince her to make her that really good turkey pasta salad. When I saw Stan last week, I told him, you know what? It’s really just to die for… I’m going to make a Frango mint birthday cake. And I might even throw a batch of peanut butter fudge bars because I know Alan really likes his fudge bars…

I’m sure they didn’t tell Stan anything. They’re just going to blow it off and never tell him.

Right… you don’t want another 20-something-year-old because you have any idea what you’re gonna get…

Is that about sex?

THE NEW PAIR?!?!? 

Unclear what this was about. There was never any clarification on Mrs. O’Leary’s part.

Well, I gotta scoot… Yeah, this does seem like a good time to catch you. You’ve got your coffee. I’ve got mine and now we’ve had time to get all caught up… So yeah, I guess we’ll talk to each other around this time next Friday, huh?

Join us next Friday morning for the next episode of “Mrs. O’Leary Hates Her Life and Shits on Her Family.”

Day #882

9:09 AM: Wanda Sykes got a new boss two months ago. The new boss recently instructed Wanda Sykes and her finance teammates to keep track of their activities every day. They are to create a spreadsheet showing every thing they do each day, along with start and end times.

Roseanne Barr is pissed about this development. “When they ask you to do that, you know you’re in trouble. People are going to start getting fired.”  Continue reading

Day #881

3:24 PM: Grace is on the phone still dealing with the fallout from the time she set her kitchen on fire on Christmas Day in 2015. She’s on the phone with the insurance company trying to figure out why she hasn’t been reimbursed for things that are missing after her home was cleaned and repainted…
You know, they took these stuffed animals. Nothing expensive, these were just things that you know, my husband had given me over the years… Then there was the blood pressure cuff, which can cost around $100!…. Even the riding helmet we weren’t too worried about because I haven’t ridden in a long time. But that briefcase was $250 and we had the receipt! That’s a lot of money!
And what about the GameBoy things?! We put in the… Yeah, he omitted the GameBoy. And that – I’m sorry to say this – but that was stolen. Why else would the GameBoy and the games be gone?
Then there was the jacket. Dave had said the jacket was missing and I put that on the list, but then he found it and we were kind enough to say that we had found it and took it off the list.
Gracious Grace. Taking things off the list of stolen items because she’s so honest. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BRIEFCASE?!

Day #877

8:25 AM: Phyllis came out of the restroom and said aloud…

Phyllis: Is the lady’s room issue fixed?

Grace: Was there an issue?! See?! I’m never in the poop loop! No one tells me about these things!

Phyllis: Well, there was a sign on one of the doors yesterday…

Grace: I didn’t even notice that!

Phyllis: And the sink’s clogged again.

Grace: Well, did you notice they seem to have new paper towels? They seem nicer. More absorbent.

I hope Grace is never included in the “poop loop.” Continue reading

Day #876

10:09 AM: Grace walked into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office and sat down…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Okay, let’s crosscheck these lists…

Grace: Actually, let me get out and grab my list.

That took about 8 seconds. Five minutes later, she pops back into his office…

Grace: So, I actually checked my list and it appears some of the people on my list didn’t make it into the final version I saved. So I’ll need to go back and add those. I’m certain I added them and they were on the list, but somehow they didn’t make it into this final version. So I’ll have to go back to add them.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin [sighing]: … Okay.


Day #875

10:15 AM: Carson Kressley is aghast that Crate & Barrel is closing its Michigan Avenue store to make way for a new Starbucks roasting site. This was reported last week, but Carson Kressley is just seeing it now.

Carson Kressley: Okay, so I read the article. There will not be another Crate & Barrel location opening in the city. They’re just closing that one down. The Starbucks will offer local artisinal baked goods and coffee from around the world.

Phyllis: So you’ll have to go down to Michigan Avenue to get baked goods from the bakery down the street in your neighborhood.

Carson Kressley: Ha! I don’t plan to be going there for baked goods.

Phyllis: Okay, now I’m here on the Starbucks website and it looks like they’ve got this new unicorn drink.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Carson Kressley: You haven’t heard about this? It was all over the internet last week.

Phyllis: No, that’s me though. Yesterday’s news today!

Carson Kressley: It’s not even a coffee drink.

Phyllis: It’s not?!

Carson Kressley: No! There’s no coffee in it. It’s just pure sugar.

Phyllis: Now, why would these people who wouldn’t even drink a regular soda because of the sugar, go to Starbucks and waste 1,000 calories on a pink drink?

Carson Kressley: And there are all these articles about baristas [pronounced bah-ris-tas] who hate making these drinks because they have all these ingredients and they’re sticky.

Now the conversation has switched to the costs of purchasing things in the city…

Phyllis: And do you know they have this thing called a Navy Pier tax?

Carson Kressley: No. What’s that?

Phyllis: Well, they add on like an extra half a percent for everything you buy in the Loop.

Carson Kressley: Really? I had no idea. So if I buy something at Target here in the Loop, it’ll cost more than at the Target near my house?

Phyllis: Yes. I was laughing the other day. I was buying something from Walgreens and I’m thinking, “Okay, this is 99 cents. But you add another 11.5 cents for the tax and then 7 cents on top of that for the bag…” It was almost two dollars!

Well, someone should teach you how to round numbers.

Day #870

9:04 AM: Mrs. O’Leary has been on the phone with her sister for about 20 minutes. After some chitchatting, she had some television viewing advice…

You have got to watch Fargo. It’s on FX. NOT FOX. No. FX. You just go to FX and you pull up the show Fargo. Yes. It is so good. I never would have known that it was Ewen McGregor playing those two parts. He is just so good. And then there’s this other actor who I just really love. I know you watched the first few seasons of the show Boardwalk Empire. Well, the guy in there who plays the mobster Arnold Rothstein… Well, he’s in Fargo and he is just so good…

Sounds like she convinced her sister. She plans to watch it this weekend.

Day #869

11:36 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with her sister…

You know, I went grocery shopping, did my laundry, got some cleaning done. That was my Easter. I just really needed a crash and burn weekend.

If you never see another movie again, “The Straight Story” is one you should see. It’s a keeper. It’s a total keeper. Really, this one, your daughter might even like it. But then again, she’s bound to never see a movie if I’m the one recommending it to her… Continue reading

Day #868

11:07 PM: Grace popped into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office to ask about formatting for a PowerPoint. Speaking about one of our members, she said “I think she needs a lesson in PowerPoint.”

I scoffed out loud.

Day #867

3:08 PM: There was a loud crash on the other side of the wall…

Grace: Oh, shit.

Phyllis: Are you going to share that with us?

Grace: If you want some of my collection of pennies, you can have it.

Phyllis: Oh, I thought maybe it was M&M’s or something!

Dafuq?

Grace: Nope. It was just my collection of change. I’m trying to pick out the quarters to get a Diet Coke.

Carson Kressley: You know, that sounded like a big spill, but it was probably only like 23 cents.

Grace: It probably wasn’t even that. Maybe half.

Half? I’d like to know what 11.5 cents looks like.