Day #902

8:05 AM: Roseanne Barr is taking some time off over the next week and told me this morning, “I woke up this morning and said ‘Please God just let me get through whatever bullshit I have to get through to have these days off.’ And because I’m taking time off, that means I only have to deal with Asshole for three more days.”

Her boss’s last day is June 2 and she is ready for him to leave…

“I almost want to tell him on his last day, ‘You think you’re so great and that everyone loves you, but you’re not my friend. I don’t want to keep in touch after you leave. You and I will never have anything to do with each other after this.'”  Continue reading

Day #901

1:54 PM: Grace answered her cell phone at her desk…

Hi!… Oh, are we?… Okay, there’s none in the basement?… Alright, well, Friday is pay day, so we can go stock up on some then. How does that sound?… Okay, let’s talk about it when I get home, okay?

Grace’s adult sons who still live with her must be out of Pizza Rolls.  Continue reading

Day #890

8:17 AM: Phyllis walked in with some news.

Phyllis: I was at Peet’s coffee and they’re handing out samples. So I go to see what they’re handing out and it’s little pieces of waffles… with CHICKEN. It was some kind of waffle and chicken TOGETHER.

Me: Chicken and waffles?

Phyllis: Yeah! That was it.

Grace [sounding confused, like she’s waiting for the punch line]: Mhmm…?  Continue reading

Day #883

8:01 AM: I walked in to find Mrs. O’Leary on the phone with her sister…

You know, I walked out of my apartment with my sunglasses on and took the bus to the train stop. By the time I got out of the bus, it was time for me to take my sunglasses off and put on my regular glasses. THAT’s how cloudy it got that quickly… Yep… So I think we might be in for some rain.

And not one of them called you to say, “Hey, how are ya?”… Exactly… They’ve been angry since Mother died, let’s face it. That’s when all this shit really started. I’m sick of it… There ya go… Your BFF… When exactly is she going to put her place on the market? Not that I care, but…

I can’t afford more than two days in the hotel… No… Well, that’s very nice of you to offer, but I think two days is plenty… I did convince her to make her that really good turkey pasta salad. When I saw Stan last week, I told him, you know what? It’s really just to die for… I’m going to make a Frango mint birthday cake. And I might even throw a batch of peanut butter fudge bars because I know Alan really likes his fudge bars…

I’m sure they didn’t tell Stan anything. They’re just going to blow it off and never tell him.

Right… you don’t want another 20-something-year-old because you have any idea what you’re gonna get…

Is that about sex?

THE NEW PAIR?!?!? 

Unclear what this was about. There was never any clarification on Mrs. O’Leary’s part.

Well, I gotta scoot… Yeah, this does seem like a good time to catch you. You’ve got your coffee. I’ve got mine and now we’ve had time to get all caught up… So yeah, I guess we’ll talk to each other around this time next Friday, huh?

Join us next Friday morning for the next episode of “Mrs. O’Leary Hates Her Life and Shits on Her Family.”

Day #882

9:09 AM: Wanda Sykes got a new boss two months ago. The new boss recently instructed Wanda Sykes and her finance teammates to keep track of their activities every day. They are to create a spreadsheet showing every thing they do each day, along with start and end times.

Roseanne Barr is pissed about this development. “When they ask you to do that, you know you’re in trouble. People are going to start getting fired.”  Continue reading

Day #881

3:24 PM: Grace is on the phone still dealing with the fallout from the time she set her kitchen on fire on Christmas Day in 2015. She’s on the phone with the insurance company trying to figure out why she hasn’t been reimbursed for things that are missing after her home was cleaned and repainted…
You know, they took these stuffed animals. Nothing expensive, these were just things that you know, my husband had given me over the years… Then there was the blood pressure cuff, which can cost around $100!…. Even the riding helmet we weren’t too worried about because I haven’t ridden in a long time. But that briefcase was $250 and we had the receipt! That’s a lot of money!
And what about the GameBoy things?! We put in the… Yeah, he omitted the GameBoy. And that – I’m sorry to say this – but that was stolen. Why else would the GameBoy and the games be gone?
Then there was the jacket. Dave had said the jacket was missing and I put that on the list, but then he found it and we were kind enough to say that we had found it and took it off the list.
Gracious Grace. Taking things off the list of stolen items because she’s so honest. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BRIEFCASE?!