Day #877

8:25 AM: Phyllis came out of the restroom and said aloud…

Phyllis: Is the lady’s room issue fixed?

Grace: Was there an issue?! See?! I’m never in the poop loop! No one tells me about these things!

Phyllis: Well, there was a sign on one of the doors yesterday…

Grace: I didn’t even notice that!

Phyllis: And the sink’s clogged again.

Grace: Well, did you notice they seem to have new paper towels? They seem nicer. More absorbent.

I hope Grace is never included in the “poop loop.” Continue reading


Day #876

10:09 AM: Grace walked into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office and sat down…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Okay, let’s crosscheck these lists…

Grace: Actually, let me get out and grab my list.

That took about 8 seconds. Five minutes later, she pops back into his office…

Grace: So, I actually checked my list and it appears some of the people on my list didn’t make it into the final version I saved. So I’ll need to go back and add those. I’m certain I added them and they were on the list, but somehow they didn’t make it into this final version. So I’ll have to go back to add them.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin [sighing]: … Okay.

Day #875

10:15 AM: Carson Kressley is aghast that Crate & Barrel is closing its Michigan Avenue store to make way for a new Starbucks roasting site. This was reported last week, but Carson Kressley is just seeing it now.

Carson Kressley: Okay, so I read the article. There will not be another Crate & Barrel location opening in the city. They’re just closing that one down. The Starbucks will offer local artisinal baked goods and coffee from around the world.

Phyllis: So you’ll have to go down to Michigan Avenue to get baked goods from the bakery down the street in your neighborhood.

Carson Kressley: Ha! I don’t plan to be going there for baked goods.

Phyllis: Okay, now I’m here on the Starbucks website and it looks like they’ve got this new unicorn drink.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Carson Kressley: You haven’t heard about this? It was all over the internet last week.

Phyllis: No, that’s me though. Yesterday’s news today!

Carson Kressley: It’s not even a coffee drink.

Phyllis: It’s not?!

Carson Kressley: No! There’s no coffee in it. It’s just pure sugar.

Phyllis: Now, why would these people who wouldn’t even drink a regular soda because of the sugar, go to Starbucks and waste 1,000 calories on a pink drink?

Carson Kressley: And there are all these articles about baristas [pronounced bah-ris-tas] who hate making these drinks because they have all these ingredients and they’re sticky.

Now the conversation has switched to the costs of purchasing things in the city…

Phyllis: And do you know they have this thing called a Navy Pier tax?

Carson Kressley: No. What’s that?

Phyllis: Well, they add on like an extra half a percent for everything you buy in the Loop.

Carson Kressley: Really? I had no idea. So if I buy something at Target here in the Loop, it’ll cost more than at the Target near my house?

Phyllis: Yes. I was laughing the other day. I was buying something from Walgreens and I’m thinking, “Okay, this is 99 cents. But you add another 11.5 cents for the tax and then 7 cents on top of that for the bag…” It was almost two dollars!

Well, someone should teach you how to round numbers.

Day #870

9:04 AM: Mrs. O’Leary has been on the phone with her sister for about 20 minutes. After some chitchatting, she had some television viewing advice…

You have got to watch Fargo. It’s on FX. NOT FOX. No. FX. You just go to FX and you pull up the show Fargo. Yes. It is so good. I never would have known that it was Ewen McGregor playing those two parts. He is just so good. And then there’s this other actor who I just really love. I know you watched the first few seasons of the show Boardwalk Empire. Well, the guy in there who plays the mobster Arnold Rothstein… Well, he’s in Fargo and he is just so good…

Sounds like she convinced her sister. She plans to watch it this weekend.

Day #869

11:36 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with her sister…

You know, I went grocery shopping, did my laundry, got some cleaning done. That was my Easter. I just really needed a crash and burn weekend.

If you never see another movie again, “The Straight Story” is one you should see. It’s a keeper. It’s a total keeper. Really, this one, your daughter might even like it. But then again, she’s bound to never see a movie if I’m the one recommending it to her… Continue reading

Day #868

11:07 PM: Grace popped into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office to ask about formatting for a PowerPoint. Speaking about one of our members, she said “I think she needs a lesson in PowerPoint.”

I scoffed out loud.

Day #867

3:08 PM: There was a loud crash on the other side of the wall…

Grace: Oh, shit.

Phyllis: Are you going to share that with us?

Grace: If you want some of my collection of pennies, you can have it.

Phyllis: Oh, I thought maybe it was M&M’s or something!


Grace: Nope. It was just my collection of change. I’m trying to pick out the quarters to get a Diet Coke.

Carson Kressley: You know, that sounded like a big spill, but it was probably only like 23 cents.

Grace: It probably wasn’t even that. Maybe half.

Half? I’d like to know what 11.5 cents looks like.


Day #866

12:42 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with her “good for nothing” brother and insisting that he take money from her to pay for gas. She also confirmed the type of cigarette he smokes so she can buy him some. For anyone interested, he smokes Marlboro Menthol 100’s.

Day #860

8:26 AM: I mentioned to Roseanne Barr yesterday that I walked 99.9 miles on my vacation. She apparently found this relevant enough to tell Wanda Sykes this morning. So when I walked in to the office, Wanda Sykes looked at me, shook her ass and sang, “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one!” and high-fived me.

Continue reading