Day #831

8:05 AM: Phyllis made it to the office through all the snow and you’d swear she just made the walk from Washington to New York like Dennis Quaid in “The Day After Tomorrow.”

Oh my gosh. Can you believe that? I saw guys out there without any hats on! Walkin’ around with six inches of snow on their heads… Do you wear a backpack?… No?… Okay good because I saw all these people with these backpacks with the snow piled up high… Gosh it is really coming down out there. They don’t have the streets or the sidewalks shoveled. They’re usually better about that… At one point, I touched the top of my head and all this snow came off. I was just covered!

She walks six blocks from the train station.

8:21 AM: Grace has now arrived. She, Phyllis and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin are discussing the snow…

Grace: How was it up north by you?

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: You know, it was pretty heavy. They said five inches yesterday, which didn’t seem entirely true, but we did get a good bit over night. This morning I opened up the blinds and slid open the glass door to let the dog out and she wanted nothing to do with it. So I go to reach for her and she just sprinted up the stairs. So I told my wife to let her out before she left for work.

Phyllis: Awww.  You didn’t shovel a little path for her?

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: You know, I’ve kind of got the morning routine down to a science. I wake up, shower and get dressed, then come downstairs and let the dog out, then I have my coffee and breakfast and head out to the train, so….

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has clearly never once thought of venturing from this routine.

Phyllis [still getting settled in 15 minutes after arriving to the office]: I’m exhausted walking here. I had to do the duck walk because none of the sidewalks are shoveled.

Grace: I know! There’s so much snow I did a double axle in the parking lot of the train!

Phyllis: You did?! Did you get a gold medal?

Grace: I should have.

Phyllis: You probably looked like Kristi Yamaguchi out there.

More like Chris Farley.

Grace: I even stuck the landing somehow!

Phyllis: Yeah, but how far did your purse go? I always drop my purse when I get stuck on ice.

Grace: I actually held onto it! It wasn’t too bad.

9:34 AM: Phyllis returned from the kitchen…

Phyllis: There’s banana bread in the kitchen.

Carson Kressley: Did they actually use real bananas this time? Last time someone made banana bread, it tasted very artificial. I didn’t even finish my slice.

Phyllis: Well, I think the oven was too hot. I can tell when the oven’s too hot, it does like a crusty thing on the outside.

Why don’t you people make your own goddamn banana bread then?

9:46 AM: Mrs. O’Leary’s on the phone…

Have you read this? It’s 17 pages of falseness and complete garbage. It’s completely false. I’m not signing one thing on this. They keep stipulating that it’s my property… Blah blah blah. NO IT ISN’T. I never even lived there. I’m just… I’m incensed over this… If I sign this thing, my credit rating is obliterated. This was never my mortgage in the first place…

18 months later and we (that’s a collective ‘we’ because everyone who sits around her is impacted) are still dealing with her deceased mother’s condo…

3:03 PM: Phyllis took the afternoon off and left her blinds closed. This clearly bothered Carson Kressley because he walked all the way around and opened the blinds in Phyllis’s area… I guess so he can see the snow…?



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