Day #826

8:05 AM: I learned from Roseanne Barr that Mrs. O’Leary was out of the office for 7 days due to the flu. It was apparently so bad that she went to the doctor three times. She just came back from Dunkin Donuts with a muffin. I hear baked goods are great when you’re working to build up your immune system with healthy foods…

8:21 AM: Grace is out for the rest of the week. Today is her birthday. Curious what her birthday celebrations entail. Phyllis is also out, but presumably not for Grace’s birthday.

1:05 PM: Our entire half of the office has been filled with the scent of onion. It smells like Shrek’s breathe in here. Roseanne Barr stood up to peek over my desk to ensure that it wasn’t me eating the onion before launching into a tirade…

Who the hell is eating the onion? That’s fucking ridiculous. People bitch and moan to HR about me talking too loud, but nobody says anything when someone’s lunch is stinking up the whole goddamn office? They should go to the fuckin’ kitchen. That’s what it’s there for. That really pisses me off.

She then went on a witch hunt to find who was eating the onion. It was another IT guy she’s friends with. She told him to go to the kitchen. He didn’t.

2:31 PM: Earlier in the day, Mrs. O’Leary asked Roseanne Barr if she had any recommendations on where she could find plain old paper lunch bags. She has looked everywhere and can’t find them. Roseanne Barr had a few recommendations and Mrs. O’Leary piled on her layers and headed out into the cold.

Now, Mrs. O’Leary scooter her desk chair over into Roseanne Barr’s cubicle and said…

Mrs. O’Leary: Psssst!

Roseanne Barr: Huh?

Mrs. O’Leary: Found ’em!

Roseanne Barr: Oh, good! Where were they?

Mrs. O’Leary: CVS

Roseanne Barr: I told you I figured a drug store would have them.

Mrs. O’Leary: Well, not cruddy Walgreens. They didn’t have any of that shit. But CVS had ’em!

Roseanne Barr: refuse to shop at CVS because the quit selling cigarettes.




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