Days #846 – 858

Sometimes sitting in 40 Square Feet of Hell drives you out of the country for 12 days. See you on Day #859, America.

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Day #845

9:19 AM: Grace recently got two new monitors for her computer. Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin came over to talk about a document she was working on and she got a little confused…

See, this one has the picture like it’s supposed to, but if I open up this one… Oh, wait. I’m trying to go the wrong way here. My old monitors, you could drag from left to right and they’d cross here in the middle, but now my new monitors, you have to drag it out this way to get it to go from one monitor to the next.

It’s not worth it to tell her what an easy fix that is.  Continue reading

Day #841

8:07 AM: There is a woman I see around the office, but she has such a ghostly, witch-like appearance that I sometimes wonder if she’s just a figure of my imagination. She never speaks… until today.

I’m sitting peacefully at my computer and I hear a loud voice saying…

Old Witch: EXCUSE ME

At this point I look up, see who’s speaking to me and get a little startled…

Me: Yes?

Old Witch: It appears as if Roseanne Barr is out today.

Me: Um. I think she is out this morning but will be in this afternoon.

Old Witch: Okay then. I’ll come back later.

Me: Okay.

It’s early enough that no one else is in the area. I wish there was someone I could turn to to ask, “You saw her, right?” Continue reading

Day #840

8:12 AM: I was talking to Roseanne Barr and asked her how long she had been here…

Roseanne Barr: It’ll be 30 years this November.

Me: Oh, so this is a big one. You’ll get called up during the all-staff meeting and get a certificate from the CEO!

Roseanne Barr: I won’t be here that day.

Me: Oh, really? What are you going to be doing?

Roseanne Barr: I don’t know. But once they schedule it, I’ll request the day off. I’m not shaking his hand. I don’t do that shit where I pretend to be nice.

All she would need to do is walk up and shake the CEO’s hand to receive a certificate, but that’s too much nicety for Roseanne Barr.

Continue reading

Day #838

7:48 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with her sister…

I got lunch with Craig and Sally last week and you’ll never guess this… They actually picked up the check! I looked at him like “really?” and he said “Yeah, I just got paid and I finished my finals. Let me get it,” so I said “You know I’m not gonna argue with that!”

So he’s trying to take his last class this summer. He is just ready to have it over and done with… I know! I’m so proud of him! And you know they saw Hamilton on Saturday… They loved it… They said it was just fantastic. Continue reading

Day #837

3:24 PM: It’s been a quiet day, but now Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone iwth her sister…

Did you see that email we got from Phoebe? Did you know about Cecily and Tate? They’re expecting! They’ve tried. I don’t even know how long… So she wants to come in for a baby shower… I guess there’s this big dinner/dance fundraiser for the hospital. Did she say it’s in Rosemont or something or other? But it’s 175 bucks a head. It’s like uh. No. No can do. But I guess Cecily and Tate are going to be in town that weekend, so they want to have a baby shower that Sunday… But you know, she wrote “I assume everyone heard the great news,” and I’m like, “NO! Cuz nobody ever tells me anything!”

I saw his Facebook post about that. You guys wanna go?… I appreciate that. I really do, but I’m gonna have to take a pass on that… It’s just not in the budget. Travel’s not in the budget. I just can’t sponsor everybody’s fundraiser for everything. They’ve got those Candy Days… That’s always sometime in April and they’ve always got these people around collecting money. That I always give to, but I can’t do it all!

So how the heck are ya?… Maybe so. Maybe so. See, now that’s doable for me. That would be local… Oh, she is? What’s she havin’ done?… Wow. You’re just full o’ tidbits today, aren’t you?… Well, I don’t know anything about the guy, except for that he ran the treasury department… And that he was a rascal yeah… Ugh. Alright. [While yawning loudly] Well, It’s gettin’ bout time for me to skedaddle outta here. One down four to go… Okay, see ya bye!

She used this time on the phone with her sister to change her shoes and pack up her bag so she could peace out as soon as she hung up the phone.



Day #834

8:54 AM: Yesterday, Roseanne Barr’s friend Maureen, who works on the other side of the office brought in some Irish soda bread that her husband baked. Roseanne Barr did not like it. She called Maureen at her desk and said “Why’s it different? It doesn’t taste right.” Apparently Maureen’s husband is on a health kick and used wheat flour. Roseanne Barr was pissed. She had really been looking forward to this.

So today, she brings in a loaf of Irish soda bread that she made the right way. She keeps telling everyone “Well, Maureen isn’t in today. If she were here, I wouldn’t have brought this in because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But that bread she brought in yesterday just wasn’t any good. You can’t use wheat flour in something like this.”

Yes, you “wouldn’t want to hurt Maureen’s feelings,” but you’ll tell everyone how awful that soda bread was.  Continue reading

Day #833

8:58 AM: Mrs. O’Leary walked over to Roseanne Barr with a tricky computer question.

Mrs. O’Leary: Hey Roseanne?

Roseanne Barr: Yes Mrs. O’Leary?

Mrs. O’Leary: These little slots over here on our hard drives?

Roseanne Barr: What slots:

Mrs. O’Leary [pointing to the computer]: These little guys right here.

Roseanne Barr: The USB?

Mrs. O’Leary: Yeah, can that accommodate a flash drive?

Roseanne Barr: Yep. All the time.

Working here for 40+ years and never learned that those little slots were called USB ports.

Continue reading

Day #832

8:39 AM: Phyllis hasn’t even sat in her chair yet. She was adjusting her blinds because it’s cloudy out and Mrs. O’Leary interrupted her…

Mrs. O’Leary: Phyllis. Were you in Union Station yesterday to go home?

Phyllis: No, I took the afternoon off.

Mrs. O’Leary: Well I was passing through there at about 4:15 and I saw this lady on the bottom of the middle escalator all splayed out.

Phyllis: Oh no! She must have slipped on on all the snow and water.

Mrs. O’Leary: Well, I don’t know but however she fell, she must have hit her head because there was a pool of blood surrounding her head.

Good morning to you as well, Mrs. O’Leary! Continue reading

Day #831

8:05 AM: Phyllis made it to the office through all the snow and you’d swear she just made the walk from Washington to New York like Dennis Quaid in “The Day After Tomorrow.”

Oh my gosh. Can you believe that? I saw guys out there without any hats on! Walkin’ around with six inches of snow on their heads… Do you wear a backpack?… No?… Okay good because I saw all these people with these backpacks with the snow piled up high… Gosh it is really coming down out there. They don’t have the streets or the sidewalks shoveled. They’re usually better about that… At one point, I touched the top of my head and all this snow came off. I was just covered!

She walks six blocks from the train station. Continue reading