Day #813

8:46 AM: Phyllis is in the middle of a phone call, but when Carson Kressley walked in, she said…

Phyllis: Hold on a sec… Carson Kressley, there is tons of food in the kitchen. They’ve got fruit, salads, pasta. The fridge is full.

Carson Kressley: Oh, okay!

Phyllis: They apparently had a dinner last night and had so much they had to throw some away.

Carson Kressley: Ugh.

Phyllis: I know. I guess there was no one here with their leftover containers.

Our Board will be in the office eating catered meals through the end of tomorrow. There’s going to be a lot of free food talk in the coming days.  Continue reading


Day #812

8:12 AM: It’s foggy outside today. Phyllis walked in and told Grace and me, “I saw a young Chinese woman walking with one of those face masks on. I wonder if she thought this was pollution? I wanted to say, ‘Nothing to worry about! It’s just water in the air!'”  Continue reading

Day #811


9:25 AM: Grace stepped in to Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office and asked, “Got a minute?” He said yes and then she took 20 seconds to loudly and violently clear her throat as she sat down and then proceeded to cough a few times before asking her question.

4:18 PM: Grace left her desk with her large computer monitor, which faces Gordon Ramsay and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s offices, open to a CNN story about Donald Trump playing golf.

Day #805

12:17 PM: Grace is at her desk and just said out loud, “Oh God! Seventy slides?!” I then heard her turn around, grab a pill bottle, pour some into her hand, and reach for her water bottle.

1:41 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is walking around the office with a Tootsie Roll in her mouth.

Day #803

8:37 AM: Grace was fiddling with things on her desk when the voice of Jake Tapper started playing loudly from her cell phone. It took her about 5 seconds to get it turned off.

10:56 AM: Phyllis is on the phone and just said, “I’m not looking forward to the Africans coming here and knocking everything off the table. The countries are so corrupt it’s like impossible to get them a book.”  Continue reading

Day #800

8:25 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is trying to activate a new credit card. What should have been a quick phone call has turned into quite the saga…

Sir. SIR… That’s my billing address… Yes it is… Yes it is… That’s the only one I’ve ever had… No, I’m not going online…

She’s sitting in front of her computer.  Continue reading

Day #799

8:50 AM: Grace has started doing this thing where she makes an “Ooh!” or “Ah!” sound as if she is experiencing a sharp pain and then follows it with reaching her left arm towards the ceiling. She just extends her left arm up and bends her torso a little bit to the right.

Imagine an 80’s workout video, but instead of Jane Fonda wearing teal spandex, it’s Grace wearing the red shawlneck sweater with a decorative pleather buckle that she wears to the holiday party every year. I can’t see it from here, but I’m willing to bet her pasty white belly is making an appearance from under the sweater.

10:50 AM: Carson Kressley and I attended a conference call with people from some other departments. A nice older lady from the Marketing Department brought in some pecan bars that her husband made. Everyone took one and thanked her. Carson Kressley took three throughout the course of the meeting.

11:08 AM: The sun came out and it was a free-for-all to get the blinds up. Phyllis and Carson Kressley were pulling the strings on the blinds like Quasimodo ringing the bells in Notre Dame.

11:36 AM: Phyllis returned from the kitchen and announced, “Whelp! The sun’s gone now!” Carson Kressley responded with optimism, saying “It’s just behind a cloud. It’ll be back.”

That’s what Samara said after they closed her in the well.

3:04 PM: I had to walk Grace through a process with our video camera and noticed a long, white hair protruding from her eyebrow. It was perpendicular to her face and could easily be used as a proximity sensor as cats do with their whiskers.

Day #798

8:21 AM: Roseanne Barr is on the phone. I wasn’t paying attention to the conversation, but it got my attention when she launched into this tirade…

I don’t want your box. Your box sucks… No. I don’t want to pay for it… No. I had your box before and I hated it… Nope. My TiVo works perfect for me.

Ohhhh. So that’s what we’re talking about.

Oh, right. So that’s your plan. You’re going to make me take the stupid box. Pay for it, and just let it sit in a corner for some reason. That’s ridiculous… And my bill is going to still be over $200… Oh my god. This is ridiculous. I can’t believe this. I’m going to give up on cable and just start streaming… Wow. Do people really pay you that? People really pay you more than $300? That’s nuts… Okay, okay, wait. So you offer me this promotion for now, give me all these channels that I don’t even frickin’ watch, and then after a year you’ll jack up the prices again. I know how it works. Wow. You guys are just getting out of control. Just take me off of that one package and leave it at the $150 a month. I’m probably going to call back and cancel…

Something tells me this won’t be the last angry phone call I hear with the cable company.


Day #797

8:22 AM: Mrs. O’Leary was out for most of last week, but she’s back with a bang today. She’s sending some type of package and spending her requisite 5 minutes taping it shut.

8:23 AM: It’s dark and cloudy outside, so Phyllis shut her blinds as soon as she walked in to the office. When Grace got here, she felt the need to comment… Continue reading