8:08 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin came out of his office and walked through Grace’s cube to peak over the wall at me….
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Good!
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin [Pointing at his gray V-neck sweater]: I was wondering if we were going to match again.
Last Thursday, we both wore gray V-neck sweaters and he got a real kick out of it.
Me: Nope, we’re good!
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Well, it’s just the perfect thing to wear at this time of year. It’s warm, but not too warm on days like this when it’s not too cold outside.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: I think I actually have two of these!
Me: They are practical.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Okay, well, glad we’re not matching again! I’ll have to check every time I wear this sweater from now on.
8:22 AM: Grace strolled in to the office and took off her coat to reveal a wide-neck maroon sweater, paired with black pants that are alarmingly tight down her thighs until they stop – an inch above her ankle. These unintentional capris are paired with brown Coach sneakers.
10:38 AM: Carson Kressley came back from the kitchen to deliver some news…
Carson Kressley: There are homemade croissants in the kitchen.
Carson Kressley: Well, that’s what the sign says…
Phyllis: Is Roseanne Barr here? She’s the one who usually does the baking.
Carson Kressley: No, it looks like she’s out today. Besides, she would keep them at her desk anyway…
Phyllis: Oh, right. She only shares with certain people.
THEN, Carson Kressley began to whisper very quietly to Phyllis – quieter than I’ve ever heard him whisper. I couldn’t hear a word he said, but Phyllis frequently replied with, “WHAT?!” and “You’re kidding!”
Now Phyllis knows about the pineapple square heard ’round the world.
11:18 AM: Yesterday, Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin asked me to send some files to an outside vendor. He said, “Grace compiled the documents and then Gordon Ramsay made some changes, so she should have made the changes on the PDFs, but double check that there are no discrepancies.”
Okay, so you’re asking me to double check that Grace did her work, even though I’m lower on the totem pole. Sounds normal.
I checked her work today and there are three discrepancies. I emailed Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin, saying:
I just looked through the PDFs and there are a few discrepancies, specifically the Washington Post story, Strom Guide article and New York Times story. Should I fix these, or will you have Grace make the changes?
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin responded:
Underside of the Bus, meet Grace. Grace, meet the Underside of the Bus.
11:48 AM: Grace emailed me and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin to say that the issues had been fixed. Just for shits and giggles, I checked them to see if all the changes were made. Lo and behold, she made 2 of the 3 changes. She made 66% of the changes assigned to her, just like she only gets 66% of the dog hair off of her clothes before coming to work and how she only spends 66% of her time at work actually working.
I decided to put that bus in reverse and throw her under it again.
I replied all to point out the issue to Grace and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin. A few minutes later, she was sitting at her desk organizing some papers and still hadn’t read the email. Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin came out of his office and told her, “If you haven’t looked at your email yet, please do. You didn’t make one of the changes Gordon Ramsay requested. Please make that a top priority.”
She replied with a cheery, “Oh! Okay, no problem!” and fixed the issue five minutes later.
3:51 PM: I just got out of a team meeting. About halfway through, Grace noticed her new pink faux leather notebook has a big TJ Maxx price tag on it with the price $4.99. She spent the next 20 minutes trying to peel the sticker off while everyone talked in circles around her. In her head, she’s already done with work for today and in her car on the way to the strip mall to bring out her inner Maxxinista.
In the same meeting, Carson Kressley asked about the redesign of the magazine he produces. In 2015, he spent a lot of time researching designs and other publications and four issues have now been mailed under the new design…
Carson Kressley: Gordon Ramsay, I’m just wondering if – anecdotally – you’ve heard anything about the redesign of the magazine. Our printing company wants to submit our magazine for an award and asked me if I’ve heard any positive feedback. I’ve only heard from people who hate the redesign and say my head should be chopped off, so I’m wondering if you’ve heard any positive feedback since you work with our CEO and our Executive Board…
Gordon Ramsay: No, I can’t say that I have…
Tonight, Carson Kressley will sit in his living room alone, in his matching striped pajama pants and button-down shirt to write in his diary, “Today, I asked if anyone liked my magazine and Gordon Ramsay said no. You’re the only person who understands how hard I work, Diary. Why would anyone want my head to be chopped off? Everyone who knows me says I have a great head!”