Day #773

8:20 AM: The cranky old librarian guy is talking to Phyllis about how horrible his day was…

Phyllis: Everyone I know had a day like that!

COL: Well, it was a full moon.

Phyllis: I thought the same thing! My phone was ringing all day yesterday. One thing after the next was happening with my family. They kept calling with their problems! They were all resolved, but I found myself thinking “It’s a full moon.” 

COL: Right. I got everything solved here and then went home and had a glass of wine and Valum. I was getting my hair cut and he wanted to give me a second glass, but I said, “No, I’ve had a Valum.”

Phyllis: You know, there as a little story today about now there’s Jack Daniels coffee. Maybe it would have the effect of getting you a little drunk, even though it’s not alcoholic?

COL: No.

Phyllis: You know, I drink Kahlua coffee on the weekends. That will get you a little tipsy.

COL: Well, Kahlua tastes like coffee anyway, so it’s not really a stretch…

Now they’re talking about Chinese food places…

COL: That place was wonderful. Didn’t make me feel the way Chinese food usually does. I didn’t go to the bathroom all day!

Phyllis: So you felt like the Michelin man?

COL: Yes, but that was fine.

It’s not even 8:30 AM and I’ve already heard about this man’s bowels.


8:24 AM: Grace has joined us in a simple gray sweater, paired with jeans.

11:32 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin is in a mood today.

12:21 PM: Phyllis is complaining about the conditions outside and said, “I had to hold on to street signs to get here from the train station today. That’s how bad the ice is.”

Think of all the other pedestrians just walking normally on the ice because they are capable and don’t share her sense of paranoia, just staring at her as she wobbles from street sign to street sign trying to hold herself up.

12:46 PM: Roseanne Barr came to my desk with a half-eaten Twizzler in her hand (the other half was apparently in her mouth) and said “The vending machine in the kitchen is giving out free candy. I reported it to the facilities guy, but it’s still giving out free candy, so you should go get yourself some. Just put quarters in there and then they’ll come right out, but they count as a credit. Do you need some quarters?”

On my way to the kitchen, Roseanne Barr must have alerted her friends because a parade of them came in to get themselves some snacks. There’s one at the vending machine taking orders from the others. “What do you want? The regular potato chips or the Ruffles?… We’ve got Twix, Snickers, Snickers with almonds, M&M’s… Want some gum while it’s free?… There’s only two packs of Famous Amos left. Who wants em?”

I am choosing to not inform Carson Kressley.

1:27 PM: Wanda Sykes called Roseanne Barr to inform her that the chips she retrieved from the vending machine for free were expired. This could be part of a larger plot to take out those of us in Roseanne Barr’s inner circle. Stay tuned.

1:39 PM: I warned Carson Kressley and Phyllis that Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin is in a bad mood and asked if they had any idea why. Carson Kressley replied, “I don’t know why he’d be in a bad mood. But it is Friday the 13th, so…”

3:16 PM: At some point, Grace put up window clings on the wall of her cubicle. She’s taking them down now and Phyllis got said, “Awwww. No more winter decor!”



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