Day #744

8:04 AM: Phyllis is making the cold weather a much bigger deal than it is. Every morning she walks in, she complains about how her knees hurt under the weight of all the additional layers. When she sees other people coming in, she says things like, “We made it!” and “Spring can’t come fast enough.” Today, it was exacerbated by the building’s free breakfast buffet in the lobby….

Phyllis: As if I wasn’t already carrying enough!

Me: You’ve got your hands full!

Phyllis: I already have my two bags, all these extra layers and now I’m carrying a plate of hot food and a cup of coffee with no lid!

Me: I saw the spread and figured I’d come upstairs, put my things down, and go get a plate.

Phyllis: Well, I was worried they would be out of the good stuff.

Yes. This breakfast started at 8 a.m. and ends at 10 a.m. and they’re feeding about 3,500 people. I’m sure they run out of the “good stuff” before 8:05.

9:51 AM: Carson Kressley is having some issues…

Carson Kressley: Did anyone else have a breakfast burrito from downstairs?

Me: Yeah.

Phyllis: I did.

Carson Kressley: Is anyone else having stomach issues?

Me: No.

Phyllis: Hmm. I had the ham and cheese. What about you?

Carson Kressley: I had the same and my stomach is really upset.

Phyllis: Well, I wouldn’t think… with just ham and egg and cheese…

Carson Kressley: I also put some of the sour cream and green onion and salsa on mine.

Phyllis: WELL! What do you expect?! Salsa on an empty stomach first thing in the morning?!?!

Salsa can be eaten at any time of day, Phyllis. Go back to your yogurt. And Carson Kressley, I hope you shit your pants.

10:02 AM: Mrs. O’Leary made a phone call to her nephew…

Steven? Hi! How are you honey? I was on the phone and I saw I missed your call…. [GASP]… Oh, you were able to find it from the post office?! Thank god. That’s all I wanted to know!… Okay, are you going to open it now, or are you going to wait?… Well that’s just part one! You’ll get part two at your mom’s house… Do you like the jammies? I thought that was fun. Matching his and hers. How sweet, huh? It’s totally precious.

Yes, your grown ass adult nephew loves wearing “jammies” that match his girlfriend’s…

I hope you guys do some fine shopping online… Have you ever had food from there , honey? Aunt Maureen and Aunt Kitty have and they love the selection. They have all sorts of seafoods, chicken, steak, all sorts of stuff. Their food is supposed to be really good… Well, honey, I hope you have a good time with it… I’m so glad you were able to track down that package. I was just so worried that it was going to be lost… Yeah, because if they can’t deliver it and get a signature, then they’ll take it back to the post office and keep it in their possession for a certain period of time and ask the recipient to come get the package from the Post Office at their earliest convenience…

Okay, does this guy not know how the post office works?…

That’s so great. I’m glad you found it and I hope you enjoy that and the part that you’ll get at your mom’s house… Good… I hope you both enjoy it… Okay, love you sweetie…

Mrs. O’Leary has two faces. There’s the sweet little aunt who loves her nieces and nephews and the stone cold, south-side thug who will cut any bitch who crosses her.

1:39 PM: Mrs. O’Leary answered the phone…

Hi… Yeah, I’m okay… You know, I have one of those – you know those stretchy headbands that fit over your ears… I thought this might be a little easier and not make my hair so flat…

Wait, she’s saying her hair today is an improvement? No.

Well, today is the first day I wore it and now I can’t find it…. Somebody probably did, Rose…

Somebody probably what? Stole it? I’ve seen these old ladies around the office turn in a free pen to the lost and found box at the front desk. No one wants your stretchy headband thing.

So where and when would you like me to meet you?… I did wear my Columbias today. They slow me down just a little bit, so ya know…

Did you know Aunt Pat has been real sick all week? She came down with salmonella. She got it from yogurt she had at home last Thursday! She was sick all weekend! Monday I guess was a terrible day for her. She was really sick and called her doctor and he told her if it doesn’t change by this date, then she had to come in. She had to go to work yesterday. She decided to stay home today and take it easy. She said it’s subsiding. She said she had a few of those little turkey sandwiches, but even Saturday she ate very little because her whole system was just so messed up…

Poor Aunt Pat. Glued to the crapper all week.

Gosh darn Aunt Pat. If it’s not one thing, it’s another!… Hon, your allergies don’t sound like they’re getting any better… But it gets worse as the day goes on?… Oh, crap… For pitty’s sake!…

I got a phone call from someone who I certainly never expected to hear from again in my whole entire life… I’ll have to tell you when I see you… They bought a second home in Tennessee. I don’t know if I ever told you what I received from her after Mother died… Well, remind me to tell you because… Yeah… Okay hon, bye!

Okay, what kind of condolence gift did this woman send that pissed off Mrs. O’Leary so much? It was probably a card that said “Be happy.” Mrs. O’Leary would take great personal offense at someone suggesting she smile.

3:25 PM: Mrs. O’Leary has recruited a friend to help her search her cubicle for her stretchy headband thing…

Friend: Okay, where do you keep your coat?

Mrs. O’Leary: On the back of my chair.

Friend: Okay, and you took your boots off and put them where?

Mrs. O’Leary: They go in the little closet over here.

Friend: Did you put it in your pocket?

Mrs. O’Leary: I usually don’t put anything my pockets.

Friend: You checked your trash can?

Mrs. O’Leary: Yep. Nothin’

Friend: Did you shove it in your sleeve?

Mrs. O’Leary: Nope. I turned the coat inside out and shook it.

Friend: Wow. I can’t believe we can’t find it.

Mrs. O’Leary: See? I toldya. Gone!

I guess Mrs. O’Leary will have to ask for a new stretchy headband thing from Santa.

4:01 PM: Grace made a phone call…

Um, yes. I have a question about massages. I wnated to get one for my son for christmas. Do youh ave to be a member to get a massage?… Well, what’s the difference in the spa?… Oh, ok… Yeah, well, he’s a mechanic, so he might not like that. His back has been hurting, so he’s looking for something more therepeutic.

Grace’s 27-year-old mechanic son sitting in a robe in a spa getting his nails done provides a great visual.



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