Day #743

8:16 AM: Grace guiltily admitted to Phyllis that she stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast today. Then Phyllis held hers up and said “So did I!”

9:00 AM: Carson Kressley came back from the kitchen with his first cup of tea for the morning and Phyllis asked…

Phyllis: No doughnuts in the kitchen? No chocolate? No popcorn!

Carson Kressley: No, nothing! People are scaling back.

Phyllis: We did get a nice lunch yesterday though.

Carson Kressley: Yes, that was a nice lunch.

Every morning, Phyllis wakes with a start, sits up in her bed, and thinks to herself, “Maybe there will be doughnuts today.”

10:34 AM: Phyllis pays close attention to the sunshine. She walked back from the bathroom and saw that the sun was shining, so she walked to the window and loudly opened the blinds next to her desk.

11: 53 AM: Phyllis came back from the bathroom and said…

Phyllis: Well, so much for the sunshine!

Carson Kressley: Oh, it has gone away, hasn’t it?

Phyllis: Yep. Unfortunately. Now we’re back in our dark, dreary, cold alley view. But one week from today is the shortest day of the year! Then it’ll get better from there.

Carson Kressley: You know, I haven’t even noticed the change. Maybe it’s because I was in a darker climate at the beginning of the season?

Yes, Carson Kressley. We all remember that you went to Europe.

2:27 PM: IT HAPPENED. Roseanne Barr was away from her desk. Carson Kressley went walking by, saw that she had baked goods spread out, and snuck over to her desk to grab one. After months of walking past trays of baked goods, he finally caved and took one. I can’t wait to tell her.

2:32 PM: Our company holiday party is this Friday, so we received this email…


The “Fun Committee” should have actually made a naughty and nice list. If you leave food in the kitchen sink, naughty. If you bring in food for the rest of the group, nice. If you spend 20% of every day bitching about goddamn green beans, naughty.

3:09 PM: Roseanne Barr pulled me aside and whispered to me…

Roseanne Barr: I heard Carson Kressley came over and grabbed something.

Me: Yes. I did see that. I was planning to tell you.

Roseanne Barr: That mother fucker. What did he take? A butterscotch bar? One of these cake bites?

Me: I’m pretty sure it was one of these cake bites.

Roseanne Barr: You know, he is just so ignorant. America Ferrara saw him from across the office and told me.

Me: I watched it happen and my mouth was hanging open.

Roseanne Barr: You know, he had just been in the kitchen to refill his mug. So he saw me eating my lunch and he knew he could come by here and I wouldn’t see. But America Ferrara saw.

Carson Kressley better sleep with one eye open. America Ferrara is always watching.

3:19 PM: America Ferrara received a large pastry from a vendor, which she brought over to Roseanne Barr’s desk to add to the spread of desserts. It’s a big ring-shaped pastry filled with raspberry and enough pastry for at least 15 servings.

Roseanne Barr is loudly telling people to help themselves and that it’s so good, but she’s not offering any to Carson Kressley.

One of Roseanne Barr’s friends came over for a piece and I heard them whispering. The friend glanced over in Carson Kressley’s direction and said, “What a rat. Who does that?!?!”

4:06 PM: Gordon Ramsay popped into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office with some questions. They’re talking and I can hear the panic rising in Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s voice. It’s 4:06, which means he’s one minute late for his pre-departure bathroom break. He goes to the bathroom every day at 4:05 so he can get back to his office, pack his backpack, and leave at 4:17. If Gordon Ramsay doesn’t end this soon, Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin will fade from his office and all photos like in “Back to the Future.” You can’t mess with time, Gordon Ramsay.




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