11:21 AM: Phyllis stood up and said, “I don’t want to gross you out too much, but listen to this story…”
I found a phone on my street. It was one of those Cricket phones. So I wanted to figure out who it belonged to. I scroll through the names and see Momma, so I gave that person a call. She only spoke Spanish, so I couldn’t even speak to her. I was going to church the next day and there are a lot of ladies who speak Spanish, so I asked one of them to call this lady and explain. So they never called me back. So I’ve got this phone and I’m trying to figure out how to get it back to this person, so I’m pressing buttons and I open up the internet and it’s just pages and pages of porn. All porn. And it was like kiddy porn too, so at that point I just took it to the police. I put it in a Ziploc bag and brought it to the police station. They said, “Oh, maybe this is one of our sex offenders in the area.” I just handed it over and left.
Once she finished her story, I turned around and used hand sanitizer.
11:39 AM: Get ready to party…
FROM: Gordon Ramsay
TO: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin; Grace; Carson Kressley; Phyllis; Me
As we did last year, I’d like to invite all of you to a year-end celebratory lunch. Are you each available about noon next Thursday, Dec. 15?
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin will undoubtedly make the same joke he did last year. As we sat down, he’ll say “Okay, Gordon Ramsay, my guess is ordering a beer is not an option???” Haha! Beer during the work day! Can you imagine? Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin cannot.
11:55 AM: Grace came back from the bathroom. She then stood in her cubicle and finished off her venti passion fruit tea from Starbucks. Just standing there, staring blankly into space, slurping down the last drops of tea until the straw made the gurgling noise amongst the dry ice cubes. She then put on her scarf, jacket and European-style hat that now proudly displays a pin from her October trip to Canada, and headed out to lunch.