1:34 PM: My company’s librarian, who is a 60+ Jewish guy who talks too much and can’t take a hint when you’re not in the mood to talk, passed me in the hallway and asked…
Librarian: Would you like to adopt a six-year-old?
Me: No thank you.
Librarian: You sure? He’s fully potty-trained, speaks four languages, makes his own bed, he’s 5’11…
Me: I will pass.
Librarian: Really, you can just take him right off my hands.
Me: That does not sound very appealing.
Librarian: All it takes is a good belt… Which, he would actually enjoy, but I won’t go there.
He’s talking about his husband. He constantly refers to him as his child at home. They sleep in separate rooms and the husband is on a lot of medication. No thank you.
1:56 PM: Carson Kressley just tried to convince me to watch all of Downton Abbey when PBS runs a marathon on Dec. 30. I humored him and said, “I’ll watch it on Netflix someday. Just not when I’m out of town to visit family.”
8:45 AM: Phyllis is frozen. She got in, stripped off all her layers and said “I’m gonna sit here with my toes next to my little space heater under my desk.” Next time Phyllis does me wrong, I’m going straight to HR to report her contraband space heater. Continue reading
8:23 AM: I had a conversation with Roseanne Barr. I asked her why Mrs. O’Leary was mean muggin’ yesterday and she went off on quite the rant…
She is such a fuckin’ bitch. I was talking to her yesterday and she was pissed. Furious because a friend of hers, who has been her friend for 20 years, apparently didn’t send a card when her mother died. Mrs. O’Leary hasn’t spoken to this friend since, but now she’s mad because this friend had the nerve to call her and wish her a happy birthday. Can you believe that? This friend didn’t send a card a year ago when her mom died and she’s still holding this grudge…
She was telling me about that damn box she spent so long taping. Her family does a gift swap thing and she picked her nephew. So she sent them a bedding set and a pair of matching pajamas. She asked if I could hear her taping the box. I wanted to tell her it was loud as hell, but I just told her, “Yeah, I could hear the tape….”
You know how she talks about her mother like she’s a damn angel in heaven? Before her mom died, she used to come in every. single. morning. and bitch about her. She’d say “That old bitch” or “That woman” and bitch about her all day long. Now she died and she talks like her mother was a saint. That’s bullshit…
Sometimes she’ll go in the kitchen and see me in there and she’ll say, “Come on. Let’s go have a cigarette,” but I always try to ditch her. I don’t want to go smoke with her. All she does is complain! I mean, I like to complain, but I can’t stand listening to her just bitch all the time…
10:05 AM: Grace walked into the printer room and said, “Ow, ow, ow! SHIT!”
10:38 AM: Our President is in the office today. He walked up to Grace and asked “What city is that on you computer background?” She responded, “You know what? I don’t know!”
8:05 AM: I was in the kitchen with one of the members of the “Fun Committee”…
Me: All set for the big company holiday party tomorrow?!
Me: Oh, no! Do you guys have a lot left to do?
FCM: Not really.
Me: Okay, so it sounds like you’re getting pretty close.
FCM: There are just a few things we still need to do. We mostly just want it to be over.
Great, so the people planning the party just want the party to be over. Sounds like it’s gonna be a blast! Continue reading
8:04 AM: Phyllis is making the cold weather a much bigger deal than it is. Every morning she walks in, she complains about how her knees hurt under the weight of all the additional layers. When she sees other people coming in, she says things like, “We made it!” and “Spring can’t come fast enough.” Continue reading
8:16 AM: Grace guiltily admitted to Phyllis that she stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast today. Then Phyllis held hers up and said “So did I!” Continue reading
8:45 AM: Someone came to Phyllis’s desk and mentioned a bit of work he did over the weekend. Phyllis interrupted him and said, “You shouldn’t be working on the weekends. God doesn’t want you to. Neither do I.”
Does she say this to everyone on the weekends? If she goes to the grocery store on Saturday and the cashier hands her a receipt, does she then tell the cashier that she shouldn’t be working on the weekends? How far does this go? Continue reading
8:18 AM: Phyllis and I are the only people around so far. She just took a big breath and sighed “Oh my goodness” as she was exhaling. Gonna be a long Friday for Phyllis. Continue reading
8:17 AM: Phyllis walked in slowly, weighed down by the sheer mass of all the layers she’s wearing today. Someone told her, “We made it.” as she walked past. Phyllis responded, “Yes. Now it’ll just take five minutes to get all the layers off.”
THIS JUST IN: Chicago is sometimes cold.
8:45 AM: Carson Kressley has arrived. He’s unpacking his bag and had a question for Phyllis:
Carson Kressley: Did you just have an orange?
Carson Kressley: I smell an orange.
Phyllis: No, it wasn’t me.
Carson Kressley: I mean. It’s… fine… I just really smell an orange.
It was obvious that it wasn’t fine. Continue reading