8:25 AM: Got an Email from Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: I need to use the Michigan PowerPoint you’re working on as a template for another presentation, but I see you have it open. Can you save it under a new name and let me know when you’ve done that?
Well, that’s entirely unnecessary. You can Save As any time. I’m still working on the presentation, which he would know if he were brave enough to open it, but I do what he asks anyway. He comes over to my desk…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: You’ve got me all confused.
Wait… I’ve got you confused? Or you’re just generally confused by technology?
Me: About what?
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: The presentation you saved under the new name… That’s not final, correct?
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Well, I wanted the final version.
Me: Okay. You asked me to save it for you to use as a template, so I assumed you had looked at it.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: No, you had it open.
Me: But you can still open files when someone else is working on them.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Well then that would interfere with what you’re doing.
Me [Deep breath]: Okay. I’ll tell you when it’s final.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin looks at computer files like toilets in a bathroom. Instead of finding another toilet, he knocks on the stall and asks “Can you let me know when you’re done in there?”
9:15 AM: The peaceful silence of this Wednesday was interrupted by Phyllis saying these words…
Phyllis: Hmmm. Suckling pig, Carson Kressley!
There was a collective WTF?! silence from everyone surrounding her. And then…
Carson Kressley: I’m sorry, what?
Phyllis: The food catering service downstairs. They’re serving suckling pig today. Do you think it’s on a tray?
Carson Kressley: I don’t know if it’s a pulled pork situation or what.
Phyllis: They do have roast chicken, though. My favorite.
Carson Kressley: Yeah, maybe it’s a pulled pork situation.
And this morning I woke up thinking I wouldn’t throw up in my mouth after hearing Phyllis say the word “suckling” twice.
10:50 AM: Once again, Phyllis has an announcement for the world…
Phyllis: UGH! My Outlook is all wonky now.
Carson Kressley: It’s probably the new security updates.
Phyllis: Do they do that on Wednesdays?
Carson Kressley: I thought they were doing it over the Thanksgiving weekend.
They were. I find it doubtful that they made online security updates over the weekend that took more than 72 hours to affect Phyllis’s Outlook and no one else’s.
11:50 AM: Mrs. O’Leary made a phone call…
Morsy Gaborsey… I just thought I’d call and check in and see how you’re doin’… I had a birthday lunch with Aunt Pat yesterday… We had a lovely lunch… Yeah, I’m just typin’ away here at the ole job…
Yeah, for his birthday, I was thinking we should get him something… Gift cards are great, but it’s nice to have something to open, so I asked, “What about a Blackhawks thing for their tree?” Yeah, I thought it was a good idea too. I pulled up their website. I didn’t see any ornaments, but I did see a nice bedding set… Yeah, it’s got the comforter, the sheets, pillowcases and pillow shams… All ya need for a full bed…
You know, I don’t think I’m gonna go for Christmas. I don’t have any issue with staying home on a holiday. I just really don’t.
Unclear when Mrs. O’Leary’s real birthday is. It’s like in Real Housewives of New York when Dorinda had a birthday cake for no reason.
1:45 PM: We had a quarterly all-staff meeting, which is led by our CEO…
- The meeting started at 1:00 on the dot because our CEO is very punctual. Grace opened the door and mozy’d on in at 1:12.
- Gordon Ramsay sat next to me. He is known for dozing off in these meetings, so he fidgeted and groaned heavily throughout the meeting to keep himself awake.
- I heard a man speak for the first time today. We sit close to each other and see each other every day, but today was the first time I heard him utter a word. He asked, “Who would be the best person to speak to about that?” Was that really worth ending your 730 days of silence?
- Some guy introduced a new employee on his team who used to work for the National Restaurant Association. Minutes later, when he finished the introduction and turned the microphone back over, our CEO said “I’m glad you had an appetite for working here.” Crickets. I mean, crickets.
- Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin received a Service Award for serving 5 years’ time in hell. He stood up and shook the CEO’s hand with all the honor and gratitude of a one-legged Marine receiving the Medal of Honor from the President.
- Some lady has been here 25 years. Fuck.