8:11 AM: The new lady who sits near me walked in with a shirt spelling “GAP” in rhinestones. I thought it was strange that Gap would make a shirt covered in rhinestones. Then I looked closer and realized that G.A.P. was an acronym and underneath, it said “God Answers Prayers.” I took the opportunity to pray that God would destroy that shirt. She’s still wearing it.
9:41 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is having a light morning snack consisting of an entire bag of microwave popcorn.
10:53 AM: Roseanne Barr has given me a large chunk of fudge to take home to my family, as well as two iced cookies and two caramels that she ordered from her favorite candy store. Each time, she reaches over my cubicle wall and loudly announces her gift so Phyllis and Carson Kressley can hear it.
11:13 AM: Phyllis is filling out her time sheet. We get to leave at 2:30 today, which is categorized as “Award Time,” so she said…
This is the trifecta of time sheet categories! We’ve got work time, holiday time, award time! Let’s see… what else could I use to fill this in? Maybe I’ll say I have jury duty for an hour. Then maybe I’ll telecommute.
She got a great laugh while she finished completing her time sheet.
11:22 AM: Phyllis and Carson Kressley started talking about different language things, so Carson Kressley put on his hoity-toity elitist crown and went on a rant…
I hate when people use the word literally incorrectly. There are people my age saying “I literally died.” NO YOU DIDN’T. That’s not what literally means. You’re standing here telling me this story… It also drives me crazy when people confuse the terms podium and lectern. If you’re giving a speech, you’re speaking from the lectern. You’re standing on the podium… The other day, I had to correct someone. They said that a topic peaked their interest in a text. I had to say “I think you mean piqued.”
I bet Carson Kressley looks over strangers’ shoulders on the train and corrects them when they misuse words.