Day #717

9:07 AM: Grace still hasn’t been able to send out the news release she was trying to distribute yesterday. The clock struck 4 PM yesterday and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin decided to push the release to this morning. She’s still having troubles and is on the phone with the distributor again…

There must be something I’m missing. There must be something I’m not doing, so I’m going to walk through the process again with you on the phone.

Now we’re hearing Grace walk through every step of setting up a news release through this distributor…

Ok, so then I get back to the welcome screen. So have I done everything? I schedule this and then I never get another page… No… I’m not seeing that. Now why is that?… To be honest, I don’t do this that often, so I don’t have a long tribal memory of this, so I’m just trying to figure out if maybe there’s something I’m missing…

I talked to someone yesterday and to be honest, I get confused because we also use another distributor and I can’t remember if I was talking to you guys or them, but apparently with one of your companies, a lot of people often miss a page. I don’t know if that was with you or not…?… Okay, well I’m going to put you on speaker while you do that.

Now we’re all listening to the hold music…

Now she’s back on the phone and she keeps asking for a “hard copy” of the news release before it’s distributed. Every time she says “hard copy,” she bangs her fist on the desk and I can feel it. She’s asking for an emailed version, which clearly is not a “hard copy.”

9:15 AM: We have a food service that sets up in the lobby of our building two days a week. They email their subscribers in the morning with the day’s menu. Yesterday, Phyllis was talking to Carson Kressley about how she never understands any of the foods on the menu and it happened again today…

Phyllis: Ok, here’s an example of what we were talking about yesterday. I never understand what these foods are. What is a bao?!

Carson Kressley: [Explains what a bao is]

Phyllis: You know, when I walk past that Bao place on my way to the train, I noticed they have a delivery car and their license plate is the name of the restaurant. WOW BAO. Can you believe that?

Carson Kressley: Well, it certainly makes sense for them to do that.

Phyllis: What if they tried to get that license plate and they couldn’t because it was taken? Wouldn’t it be funny to steal another company’s name and make it your license plate? Like if I applied for Chi-pole-tay.

Carson Kressley: [half-assed snicker]

Phyllis. Constantly amazed by things that amazed people back in 1984.

9:21 AM: Grace, hanging up the phone with the distributor, said…

If she says “mhmmm” one more time, I’m going to reach through the phone and throttle her.

Now she’s sitting at her desk, sighing, banging her fist on the desk and saying “Oh crap” to herself. Stressful day for Grace. She may need more than the 90 minutes of break time she takes throughout the day.

9:54 AM: I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. Since Grace was out sick last week, she’s started to make strained, guttural sounds every time she sits, stands or adjusts herself in her chair. She sounds like John Goodman trying to go to the bathroom.

10:17 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has asked me to show Grace how to save images for a PowerPoint. We need to put logos in a PowerPoint presentation and he asked me to walk her through the process of finding and saving the logos. I don’t have any commentary. I’m just sad.

12:25 PM: Gordon Ramsay came over to my desk to vent. He needs to sit in our board meetings all day today and tomorrow. I sent him something to review and he came over to complain that he can’t do anything else during the meeting because he has people sitting behind him. He also vented about our board members…

These people feel like they need to be here for two entire goddamn days so they can go back home to their little towns and tell all their friends about how they went to the ‘big city’ and stayed at a fancy hotel and ate fancy dinners because they’re so important. Give me a break.

He despises everything about this life he leads. Also everything about everyone else’s life.


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