Day #716

8:40 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin asked Grace to send a news release on behalf of our company. She often finds a way to fuck this up, despite having done it dozens of times. Let’s see what happens. 

9:20 AM: We’re trying to film a video interview with our incoming President, but there’s a humming sound in the conference room where we have the equipment set up. I informed Gordon Ramsay and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin of the problem…

Gordon Ramsay: Well that’s new.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: [Stares at me like a deer in the headlights] Our incoming President is here.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you talk to the building manager and see if he can find the source of the humming and propose a solution?

Me: No problem.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: [Looking like Mr. Andrews at the end of Titanic when he stops the clock on the mantle] Ok. I’ll talk to our President to see if he can wait.

He could wait. He literally had nothing else on his calendar for the day.

11:07 AM: Grace’s news release was supposed to have been sent 2 hours ago, but they still haven’t received a test version to review and approve…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Any update?

Grace: No. I haven’t received any test versions. I called the distribution company and they said there’s a long line of people waiting and their testers aren’t coming.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Ok, and they didn’t give a timeline?

Grace: No. I also called the other company, but I haven’t gotten any testers or anything. We are waiting on them.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Ok. Well, thank you for continuing to follow up.

11:28 AM: Grace is now on the phone with the second distribution company…

Hi, I sent a news release but haven’t received the test copy for our review… Yes I did… Yes, I did… Yes, I did that… No. I didn’t do that part… Okay, so if you’re not seeing it in your list, then that means I didn’t do that… Okay, then yeah, it may be something where I just forgot to click… Okay, I’ll do that then and expect to see the test version in just a few minutes. Thank you!

So, she told Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin that all the delays were on the part of the distributor, yet she gets on the phone with the distributor and says that she must have forgotten to click a button. Hmmmm…

11:32 AM: Grace has a pressing news release update…

Grace [Popping her head into Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office]: Did you get the test? I got it, but it went to my junk mail.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: No

Grace: Okay, I’ll forward it.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin [Clearly excited]: Great:

Grace [Now back at her desk, shouting out loud so Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin can hear]: Oh. Wait. No. That wasn’t the test. That was from Gordon Ramsay. It was him sending it out to the board members, but not the tester we’re waiting for. I’ll let you know when I get it.

If I listen closely, I can almost hear a tiny violin playing in Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office.

11:37 AM: Grace has another pressing news release update…

Grace: So. Ummm I should be getting the proof in a few minutes.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Did they offer a reason?

Grace: Just because of the delay.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: They’re both delayed? I know the one was delayed, but the second was also delayed?

Grace: Ummm… Just because of… Yeah… It sounds like they’re both delayed.

Ummm… It sounds like it was delayed because you forgot to click something. Confess your sins, Grace. Jesus is watching.

11:41 AM: Grace is now on the phone with one of the distributors saying a whole lot of nothing…

I am trying to get an update on a test email that I need to send…. We’re short on time and getting a little nervous… I have a lot of trouble with these things going to junk email, so I’m trying to keep an eye on both… Well, we just get it sent straight to our email… Ok, because usually I just get an email sent… That would be preferable. Thank you.

She hung up sand said, “Sheeeeesh!” Grace’s idea of multitasking is watching both her Inbox and Junk Mail folder.

1:10 PM: Mrs. O’Leary got back from a lunchtime shopping trip and headed over to Roseanne Barr’s desk…

Mrs. O’Leary: So, Roseanne Barr, I went shopping.

Roseanne Barr: Oh, really? What did you buy?

Mrs. O’Leary: I bought a new pair of shoes. I got a new pair of boots that are SUPER cute.

Roseanne Barr: Super cute?!

Mrs. O’Leary: Yes. They zip up AND lace up.

Roseanne Barr: What’s all this for?

Mrs. O’Leary: It’s for planning what to wear for Thanksgiving and for the family open house later this month.

Roseanne Barr: Oh, see you get all dressed up for Thanksgiving. I just make tacos for my sister and my nephews and we go to the movies.

Mrs. O’Leary: Oh, that’s right. What movie are you seeing this year?

Roseanne Barr: I don’t know. Whatever the boys wanna see.

Mrs. O’Leary: What’s that new one with Benedict Cumber-batch? Dr. Strange I think. Maybe they’d like that one.


1:19 PM: Mrs. O’Leary started talking to Roseanne Barr about something else, but the conversation came back to Thanksgiving…

My sister wants to make beef tenderloin and turkey breasts. We never made beef tenderloin when Mom was alive! And turkey breasts?! We may just need to start having two Thanksgivings! We can have Mom’s traditional Thanksgiving with a whole turkey, and then you fancy people go somewhere else.

Well, Mrs. O’Leary, you might get sent straight to the Fancy Thanksgiving when they see those fancy boots with the zippers AND laces!

3:25 PM: I just refilled my water bottle and passed Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin on the way back to my desk. He was on the way to refill his water bottle and said, “What we need is a beer fountain!”

Ha! So true! Because work is hard and beer is good! I bet you’re the first person to ever think of such a thing, Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin! Oh, wait… Kegerators are a thing in offices across the country.


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