8:18 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is starting this day with a birthday phone call to her sister…
Is this Birthday central? Hi Morsy, happy birthday! Good, how are you?… Excellent… Do you have a binge TV show to watch so you can stay in your jammies all day long?.. Oh, is it really? It was perfectly clear when I came in! [now with a mouthful of Pop Tart] It’s not bad… Oh my stars… I’m just sitting here at work drinking a cup of coffee and eating a pop tart… Well, today, I’m having strawberry, but I’m also partial to the strawberry ones with the frosting. And I’m also very partial to the blueberry ones… The brown cinnamon sugar thingy? Yeah, those are pretty good. Pretty good…
Now back to the Turnip…
Was it last thanksgiving or the one before? She’s made it more than one… One thing I haven’t seen is I haven’t seen anybody saying green beans. You know? Just regular frozen green beans you just throw in a saucepan and you heat em up?… Mhmm. Alright. I’ll see if I have time. I’ve already got the dressing, the turnip and I’m gonna try my hand at sweet potatoes… You gotta have the cranberry sauce… she’s making her apple bite thingies…
If I had Mrs. O’Leary’s address, I’d send her all the green beans she could ask for this Thanksgiving. Just a big, boiling pot of water full of frozen green beans. If it’s good enough for a dog on a diet, it’s good enough for Mrs. O’Leary.
I saw them Saturday. They wanted to go to this store called Charming Charlie’s… It’s this department store. It’s up there next to that F.P. Chang’s where we went for lunch… Yep that Asian place… P.F. Chang’s that’s it…
Sending my thoughts to the poor F.P. Chang’s waitress who had to listen to Mrs. O’Leary butcher everything on the menu through her thick Chicago accent.
8:52 AM: Grace is still coughing up a storm and apparently never learned that you should cover your mouth when you cough. Is poor fashion sense contagious? Will I wake up with maroon hair and glitter fingernail polish, wearing pants that have an unusually high waist, but are also short enough to show off my pasty white belly?
8:59 AM: I can hear Mrs. O’Leary in her boss’s office a good 30 feet away from me…
“Why can’t she just buy a bag of frozen green beans, throw ’em in a saucepan and call it a day?”
I’ve literally never heard her boss say a word, so it’s unclear how much he has to say about her family’s cooking habits.
9:59 AM: Phyllis and Carson Kressley are whispering…
Carson Kressley: Do you know if the graphics temp left? She hasnt been here all week.
Phyllis: Well, it’s only Tuesday.
Carson Kressley: But she was also gone for part of last week.
Phyllis: Oh no.
Carson Kressley: Yeah, I hope she didn’t leave.
Phyllis: Me too! She actually knew what she was doing!
She’s on vacation. I didn’t volunteer this information because I like to make them sweat.
Phyllis: I meant to ask yesterday. Do you have your normal chair?
Carson Kressley: I think so. It doesn’t seem any different.
Phyllis: Well, they vacuumed over the weekend and they usually move all the chairs in one area and then they don’t pay attention to whose chair is whose. But I came back yesterday and my chair had a broken arm.
Carson Kressley: You know, it’s funny you say that because my back started hurting yesterday.
Oh really, bitch? You just said you didn’t notice a difference.
Phyllis: See? Maybe you got a different chair too!
Carson Kressley: I felt like my chair was pushing me forward too much. It was making my back arch.
Phyllis: You should look around and see if you can get your own chair back.
Worth pointing out… The chairs in the cubicles are different than those in the offices. Two weeks ago, Phyllis stole a “good” chair from an empty office and replaced it with her crappy cubicle chair. The cleaning people must have put her chair in its rightful place and now she’s salty about it.
4:16 PM: Grace took a break from her nonstop coughing fits to go to the bathroom and Carson Kressley immediately stood up to tell Phyllis…
Carson Kressley: I really don’t want to sit next to her anymore while she’s sick. I am so paranoid about getting sick for the holidays!
Phyllis: Thank God for hand gel [aka hand sanitizer]. And vitamins! Oh, I oughta take a vitamin!