8:15 AM: Grace is back after two days of staying home sick. She has hair sticking up in the back, with dark red eyes and very little makeup. Her skin looks very pale and moist. She looks like the before portion of a Dayquil commercial.
8:27 AM: Grace keeps coughing loudly. I have a cough and a runny nose. Phyllis gets very nervous around sick people. She recently brought in an industrial size container of Lysol wipes to share with the office (see photo) and she uses hand sanitizer incessantly. If a sick person sits next to her on the train, she talks about it all day as if she had just been locked inside a phone booth full of zika mosquitos. If she comes down with something, she may never forgive me or Grace.
9:10 AM: I got a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin because I’m still stress eating and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin came to my desk…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: You got coffee from Starbucks and a sandwich from Dunkin Donuts?
Me: Yes. I was hungry and they’re just across the street from each other.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Do you not like the food from Starbucks?
Me: It’s ok, but I’d prefer Dunkin’s breakfast sandwiches.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: I don’t blame you. I feel the same way. But my kid makes me go to Starbucks every Sunday morning. And not only that, but he wants to sit in one of the same two tables every single time. He gets the same thing for breakfast and the same drink and I ask him “You know, buddy, you sure you don’t want to go try somewhere else?” But he says no. He wants to go back to Starbucks. Every. Single Week.
Me: The more I hear about your son, the more it reminds me of the movie As Good As It Gets.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: He is definitely set in his ways!
9:55 AM: Carson Kressley was walking back to his desk and passed Grace’s desk while she was in the middle of a coughing fit…
Carson Kressley: That doesn’t sound good.
Grace: I have a respiratory infection.
Carson Kressley: Oh. Yikes.
Grace: I will try not to be contagious.
Carson Kressley: You should have stayed home one more day.
Phyllis [with a sound of panic in her voice]: YEAH YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE WEEKEND TO RECOVER!
Grace: I would, but I just don’t have many personal days left.
I give Phyllis two hours before she walks across the street to Walgreens and comes back wearing a surgical mask.
10:40 AM: Something (or someone) in the ladies room has sprung a leak. This sign has been posted to the door.
11:32 AM: Ok, now I think I see where Phyllis is coming from. Grace just stood up to go to lunch. As she was zipping up her coat, standing in the middle of her cube, she was facing my direction and just coughed loudly without covering her mouth. Her eyes were half-closed and her tongue was sticking out as she propelled her respiratory infection across our short cubicle wall and onto my mouse, keyboard and face.
12:34 PM: Phyllis walked out of the bathroom and shared this news…
This is the oddest place. They replaced the toilet seats. I have no idea why. But the sink is broken. There’s water all over the floor. There was a sign up, but the sign is down, so I thought the issue was resolved, but apparently not.
Really, Phyllis? The thing that makes this an odd place is a pool of water on the floor and new toilet seats? Give me a pen and a paper and I’ll write you a song about the “odd” things about this place
12:46 PM: Phyllis piped up with a pressing question about our nation’s veterans…
Phyllis: Hey Grace.
Phyllis: Your son was in the service. Is he out scoring freebies for you?
Grace: You know, I bet he isn’t. I meant to tell him to do that.
Phyllis: Maybe he could get a free doughnut or coffee or something!
Happening now: Carson Kressley contemplating ways to join the military in the interest of a lifetime of free goodies on November 11th.
1:00 PM: Phyllis complained about the line at Starbucks being so long this morning and that she was surprised by the crowd, because it is a holiday. And then Carson Kressley said these words…
“But Starbucks isn’t even good coffee! After drinking coffee in coffee culture, I don’t think I can ever drink Starbucks again.”
Um, ‘scuse me, but I bet your cheap ass will be running to Starbucks next time they offer you a free drink. Punk ass bitch.