8:25 AM: Got an Email from Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: I need to use the Michigan PowerPoint you’re working on as a template for another presentation, but I see you have it open. Can you save it under a new name and let me know when you’ve done that?
Well, that’s entirely unnecessary. You can Save As any time. I’m still working on the presentation, which he would know if he were brave enough to open it, but I do what he asks anyway. He comes over to my desk… Continue reading
8:59 AM: A member of Mrs. O’Leary’s team walked over to discuss a business matter…
Other Woman: Hey Mrs. O’Leary, how are you doing?
Mrs. O’Leary: Oh, pretty good. I’m just reading my sister’s Facebook page. Today’s her birthday. So we’ll be the same age for the next three weeks until my birthday. We’re about 50 weeks apart from each other in age.
Catholics. Continue reading
8:11 AM: The new lady who sits near me walked in with a shirt spelling “GAP” in rhinestones. I thought it was strange that Gap would make a shirt covered in rhinestones. Then I looked closer and realized that G.A.P. was an acronym and underneath, it said “God Answers Prayers.” I took the opportunity to pray that God would destroy that shirt. She’s still wearing it.
8:30 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is on a work call that has taken a turn for the personal. After talking about her Thanksgiving plans, she said…
You know, I think I might just stay at home for Christmas. We always get together with my cousins on my dad’s side. So a lot of my cousins just change houses from year to year and they host an “open house” and everyone goes there a few weeks before Christmas. So one of them invited us over on Christmas day, but I don’t think I’m going to go to that… Continue reading
8:57 AM: Carson Kressley just walked in, gave a side eye to Grace’s desk and started talking…
Carson Kressley: Are you bartending for us today Grace?
Carson Kressley: Are you bartending for us?
Grace: What do you mean?
Carson Kressley: You have a bottle of club soda over here on your desk.
Grace: Oh! Haha.
Carson Kressley: I’ll bring the gin
Phyllis: I’ll bring the limes! Other people in the office will be looking over here and saying “Wow, their team is so jovial!”
10:08 AM: I was chatting with Roseanne Barr when Wanda Sykes came up behind me and whispered, “I’m so cold my booty cheeks cold.” She was wearing a blanket over her shoulders.
8:40 AM: This is the most old lady thing Phyllis has ever said…
I’m looking at a company’s website and I know it’s a “hipster” group because they have all their headshots, but they’re listed… by their first names. Not their last names. So Zack is last on the list.
She does not mean hipster in the way that we use the term today. Continue reading
9:07 AM: Grace still hasn’t been able to send out the news release she was trying to distribute yesterday. The clock struck 4 PM yesterday and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin decided to push the release to this morning. She’s still having troubles and is on the phone with the distributor again…
There must be something I’m missing. There must be something I’m not doing, so I’m going to walk through the process again with you on the phone.
8:40 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin asked Grace to send a news release on behalf of our company. She often finds a way to fuck this up, despite having done it dozens of times. Let’s see what happens. Continue reading
8:18 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is starting this day with a birthday phone call to her sister…
Is this Birthday central? Hi Morsy, happy birthday! Good, how are you?… Excellent… Do you have a binge TV show to watch so you can stay in your jammies all day long?.. Oh, is it really? It was perfectly clear when I came in! [now with a mouthful of Pop Tart] It’s not bad… Oh my stars… I’m just sitting here at work drinking a cup of coffee and eating a pop tart… Well, today, I’m having strawberry, but I’m also partial to the strawberry ones with the frosting. And I’m also very partial to the blueberry ones… The brown cinnamon sugar thingy? Yeah, those are pretty good. Pretty good… Continue reading
8:12 AM: A woman from a few cubicles over can’t log in to her computer this morning, so she came to Roseanne Barr for help…
Woman: Good morning. I can’t log in. Are you able to help me?
Roseanne Barr: You didn’t change your password when it told you to, did you?
Woman: I’m trying to change it now.