Day #700

9:47 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin went to a World Series game while I was gone. It fulfilled a lifelong dream for him and his father. He was talking about the game with Grace and Phyllis…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: It was such a great time. Worth the expense.

Phyllis: Well, it was probably about as much as I spent on my daughter’s prom. Between the dress and the flowers and the hair and the shoes and the nails….

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: That’s the great thing about boys, right Grace? You don’t have to worry about all that stuff?

Grace: Right! When my boys went to a dance, it was a pair of pants, a shirt and tie and they could wear whatever shoes they wanted.  It was going to be dark in there anyway.

Phyllis: That’s how it was with my sons. But my daughter was a different story.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: My son is so easy. He wants a pair of jeans. A sweatshirt or a t-shirt. That’s it.

Phyllis: And packing is so easy with boys! The boys shove their stuff in a backpack and the girls have a whole suitcase!

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: My wife is the one who does the arguing with my son when she forces him to wear a collared shirt for picture day.

Grace: My sons were pretty easy. They wanted jeans and t-shirts. But not just any t-shirts that people just schlub around in. They wanted the illustrated t-shirts that you get from the stores in the mall. I remember when we had to go to a family dinner or a holiday or something, dragging them in to the Buckle store to get a shirt with a collar for them. It was always such a nightmare!

Guarantee you her sons are wearing cargo pants to this day.

10:34 AM: I was in Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s office to talk about a project I’m working on when Gordon Ramsay popped in…

Gordon Ramsay: Are you two talking about that activity calendar?

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Yes we are. I’m going to have it tomorrow by noon and I’ll get it to you for review on Wednesday.

Gordon Ramsay: Ok, that would be good because I’ll be out of the office on Thursday and Friday.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Exactly. All the more reason for us to get it to you early on Wednesday!

Gordon Ramsay: Good. Because I’ll be traveling on Thursday.

His day of travel is a 2 hour, 40 minute flight to Orlando for a conference that starts on Friday, but our company allows for “travel days,” which means you don’t do any work on the days that you travel.

Gordon Ramsay: And whether or not we’ll have Wi-Fi at the conference remains to be seen.

No worries, Gordon Ramsay. I’ll put a rush on it so you don’t need to be bothered to do any real work while you’re “traveling.”

11:11 AM: The bathrooms are down a hallway on the backside of our office. This hallway is how smokers come and go without walking through the main lobby. I opened the door to the hallway and nearly knocked over Mrs. O’Leary. She had apparently just done her shopping at Walgreens because she dropped a bag and I saw a box of Cheerios and a box of cigs fall to the floor.

She gasped and said “Oooh!” I apologized and she said it wasn’t a problem. I was waiting for her to shuffle away saying “Wish he had just put me out of my misery right there in that fuckin’ hallway…” under her breath.

11:32 AM:  Mrs. O’Leary erupted in a dry, hacking cough. After about 30 seconds, she removed herself to the bathroom. On her way out, Roseanne Barr asked if she was okay, but Mrs. O’Leary couldn’t respond…

Mrs. O’Leary: Sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you, but I couldn’t say anything.

Roseanne Barr: I was worried! Just wanted to make sure you were alright.

Mrs. O’Leary: When I start to cough and sneeze at the same time, it always makes me choke.

Roseanne Barr: Oh ok. I figured you were alright.

Mrs. O’Leary: You’re the only one who ever says anything when that happens.

Roseanne Barr: Well, we’re both smokers, so I know what it’s like…

Mrs. O’Leary: I appreciate your concern.

Roseanne Barr: But I can’t ever actually help you if you are choking, just so you know. I wouldn’t know what to do.

Even if Roseanne Barr knew CPR, I would pay good money to watch her try to save her friend’s life while Mrs. O’Leary just shakes her head and mouths the words “No! Don’t!” as she waits for the sweet relief of death’s cold kiss…

2:20 PM: We received an office-wide email to notify us of Halloween candy that was left in the break room…


They took it upon themselves to decorate the kitchen as well…

Carson Kressley is out of the office on vacation all week. He’s going to be furious when he gets back and sees he missed out on free candy. If I were him, I’d be more pissed that I missed out on the opportunity to see a poorly-drawn paper ghost stuck to the refrigerator.



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