Day #680

8:59 AM: Mrs. O’Leary called her sister to wish her a happy birthday…

It’s the birthday girl herself. Happy birthday!… Are ya? I did remember your new appliances are coming today. What’s your window of delivery time? Smack dab right in the middle of the day… So when you’re done cleaning out your freezer, what are you gonna do?… [now with a mouth full of muffin] Ok. Any TV shows or anything you’re gonna watch?…

Usually I just change the light bulb in it… I did change the light bulb in one of the floor lamps, but not the table lamps… I stripped the bed on Sunday and I just feel awful. I forgot she wanted it. I told her “I forgot you wanted the bedding. Can I get you a gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond?” I got rid of everything. The pillows. The comforter. I offered her the bed and the mattress, but she said no. I didn’t get her anything for her birthday anyway, so I told her I could get her that… You know, with everyone going back and forth and so many conversations, it’s just making me dizzy. Ya know?

I don’t know if I checked the light bulb in that one or not. Do you have room in your car for that floor lamp though? Ok! Great… You are a great packer. I know that. That’s why I’m trusting this with you.

[COUGH COUGH] UGH. I’ve got a tickle in my throat. I gotta go get some water. Have a happy birthday. I hope your delivery goes well and your appliances look absolutely fabulous.

“Happy birthday.” Now listen to how miserable I am and pack some shit for me.

9:11 AM: Grace just asked Carson Kressley if she could post something on social media to make sure it wouldn’t overlap with something he’d be posting later. She said, “I usually just post things, but sometimes my judgment is not Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s judgment, so I wanted to check with you beforehand.”

I’ve seen babies walk into glass doors that have better judgment than Grace.

10:04 AM: I just heard Carson Kressley hang up his phone. He shot up and asked Phyllis…

Carson Kressley: Are our phones down?

Phyllis: Yeah, I think so. They’re working internally, but not outside the office.

Carson Kressley: Okay. Because I just tried calling…

Phyllis: Oh, that’s right, you have your conference call right now, don’t you?

Carson Kressley: Yes. And I can’t call in.

Phyllis: Yeah, it would be nice if they told us. Maybe sent an email or something.

Carson Kressley: What am I supposed to do about this call?

Phyllis: I suppose you could call in on your cell phone.

Carson Kressley: Um. This is my personal cell phone.

Phyllis: Can you email them to reschedule the call?

Carson Kressley: They’re probably on the call already. Waiting for me.

This is a weekly conference call with two people who work in the same office. We pay them thousands of dollars a month to work for us. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind rescheduling.

10:08 AM: Roseanne Barr is tasked with fixing the phone system. She is on the phone with the phone company now and got a call on a different line. “Hi Darlene. Yes, we’re having problems with the phones. I’M ON WITH SERVICE NOW. I GOTTA GO!”

12:02 PM: Carson Kressley returned from the kitchen with a bowl of salad…

Carson Kressley: There is salad in the kitchen. Caesar salad.

Phyllis: From yesterday?!

Carson Kressley: I think it’s from today. There are meetings going on in the conference room.

Phyllis: But it’s noon right now. If they’re eating, they’d be eating now. The leftovers wouldn’t be in the kitchen yet.

Carson Kressley: Well, maybe it’s yesterday’s salad. It still looks good!

Phyllis: Hmmm. I don’t know. Maybe it’s such a bad salad that nobody in the meetings today even wanted it, so they sent it to the kitchen.

Carson Kressley: I don’t know. It looks like it’s been kind of eaten a little bit.

Phyllis: Is there a such a thing as a bad Caesar salad?

Carson Kressley: I’ve had a bad Caesar salad before.

Phyllis: Well, maybe having it a day later is a good thing. Maybe all the flavors have melded together or something.

Phyllis has now departed to check on the Caesar salad. I will report back with her comments.

12:07 PM: Phyllis has returned from the kitchen without a Caesar salad. She must not have been impressed. I shudder to think about her being at home, looking for a light lunch on a Saturday. She opens the fridge, sees a package of deli meat that’s been there for four days, and launches into a 2-hour conversation with her husband about whether or not the deli meat is still edible. By the time it’s all over, she hasn’t eaten and her husband has pulled every last hair out of his head.

3:06 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with her aunt now, apparently feeling bad for the niece with the new appliances…

It is her birthday. But you know her appliances came today… She did give herself a birthday present. It’s kind of a shame though. She’s probably dropping quite a dime with the refrigerator, freezer, dishwasher and the stove. It’s just sad…

Oh, I have a favor to cash in with you. You’re going to have to pick me up and take me out to the bank in the suburbs…

The doctor put me on some new medicine. Because I’ve still been having major sleep issues. So I’m going to have to go to bed early. I think once I get home, I’ll take one…

Really quite surprised that Mrs. O’Leary needs sleeping pills. I always assumed she cried herself to sleep every night.




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