Day #672

8:42 AM: The conference rooms are now closed for repainting. Phyllis went out of her way to walk past the rooms in hopes that she’ll see some colored paint on the walls. She did not…

“There’s a lot of white paint in the conference rooms. I poked my head in and told the facilities manager ‘More white? Can’t we do some color?!'”

No, Phyllis. We’re not going to get colorful walls. You should be thankful we’re allowed to even wear color.

sweater9:31 AM: Carson Kressley is wearing this lobster sweater today.

9:53 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is using a permanent marker to redact information from a document and every mark she makes with this big marker makes a loud squeak. It sounds like someone trying to whistle. Carson Kressley slowly stood up to figure out the source of the sound. Mrs. O’Leary gives no fucks if you’re bothered by her squeaky marker.

10:18 AM: Just heard someone say, “Ooo, ouch!” and then let out a long, exasperated sigh from the bathroom stall.

10:52 AM: Phyllis was talking to me about a weird sculpture in a home featured in the Washington Post when Carson Kressley butted in…

Carson Kressley: I was looking at the article about that house. I didn’t notice the sculpture you’re talking about, but I did notice how horribly it was decorated.

Phyllis: Really? I didn’t think it was that bad.

Carson Kressley: Oh. No. It’s awful.

Phyllis: Apparently it’s all their furniture from D.C.

Carson Kressley: Well, they should have left it there.

Phyllis: I didn’t mind it!

Carson Kressley: It’s really dated. And heavy.

Phyllis: I kind of liked the furniture. It’s kind of kitschy.

Carson Kressley: It needs to be remodeled. And redecorated.

Phyllis: Clearly not your style then.What do you like? Internationalist modern or something?

Carson Kressley: Well, they have a hot pink sofa! Florescent box lighting. The kitchen is so outdated. The ceilings are really low. Look at the upper cabinets. This place just needs to be taken down to the studs

Phyllis: I find it kind of refreshing that they bought a house and didn’t completely tear it down the studs. I didn’t like the curved glass around the porch, though.

Carson Kressley: That’s the only thing I liked! I would go in there and say “No. No. No. No. No. Take it all out.”

I wish I could see Carson Kressley’s 1-bedroom condo. It probably looks like one of the rooms from that old show Trading Spaces where they spend $1,000 to paint and reupholster furniture and then do something stupid like paint penguins on the walls. “It’s called style.”

12:38 PM: Phyllis is on the phone with one of her children…

I would advise you to bring the Deet spray… Your father never gets bug bites… Occasionally, he’ll bring home a tick, which he’ll share with me, but never mosquitoes.

The image of Phyllis’s husband coming home and showing her some dark, forsaken part of his body being feasted upon by a tick will be the subject of tonight’s nightmares.

3:30 PM: Mrs. O’Leary finally colored her hair. It’s been long overdue. She didn’t get the cut, but she clearly knew it was time to cover up the light gray spot on the back of her head. Now the light gray spot is a medium brown while the rest of the hair is dark brown, almost black. Rome wasn’t built in a day.


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