Day #700

9:47 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin went to a World Series game while I was gone. It fulfilled a lifelong dream for him and his father. He was talking about the game with Grace and Phyllis…

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: It was such a great time. Worth the expense.

Phyllis: Well, it was probably about as much as I spent on my daughter’s prom. Between the dress and the flowers and the hair and the shoes and the nails….

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Day #690

9:52 AM: Grace made a call on behalf of a friend…

Hi Barb. My name is Grace I’m a friend of Maureen’s. She asked me to give you a call. She received your message about the payment. She’s on vacation in New York. She’s on her way back now, but she has terrible signal, so she isn’t able to call you herself. She asked me to tell you that she’s not blowing you off, but she is out of town at the moment. She’ll drop the payment on her way to church on Sunday.

So she had signal to call Grace, but not signal to call her friend? Something is fishy here and it’s name is MAUREEN.

12:49 PM: Carson Kressley has spent a good deal of time bitching about the new iOS, but he is now a fan of it because he just discovered the new texting features. He said, “I’ve been sending every text with lasers or fireworks or with the loud features. I’m driving my friends crazy!”

Wait, who the hell wants to be friends with a lobster sweater-wearing elitist who loves nothing more than free food? The thought of splitting a dinner bill with him gives me chills. “Well, I only ate 6 pieces of the calamari…”

Day #689

7:51 AM: Roseanne Barr was out of the office yesterday, but had some news for Mrs. O’Leary when she got in the office…

Roseanne Barr: I meant to tell you, I started watching Goliath yesterday. Thank you for the recommendation.

Mrs. O’Leary: So you like it?!

Roseanne Barr: Yeah, it’s really good.

Mrs. O’Leary: My boss and his wife really like it. I don’t have that Amazon streaming thing, so I can’t watch it. But I bet that Billy Bob Thornton and William Hurt would be great adversaries in a show like that.

Roseanne Barr: I’m not a big fan of Billy Bob, but the show is still good. The thing I hate is it’s only eight episodes.

Mrs. O’Leary: Yeah, that’s short.

Roseanne Barr: Yeah, I watched 5 of them yesterday. So now I’m thinking “Crap, I’ve only got three more episodes to go!”

When Roseanne Barr uses her personal days, she stays home to watch TV and bake. Can’t tell if I’m sad for her or jealous of her.  Continue reading

Day #688

11:17 AM: It’s been a quiet morning, but Mrs. O’Leary just called someone on her team from the other side of the office, apparently reacting to an email from another colleague…

Thanks a bazillion for getting this through her thick skull. Christ… UGHHH. You would hope by now she would know one thing about what actually goes on in this office. After all these years. Well, after all this time I wanted to send along my heartfelt congrats to you for getting her to figure this out. I don’t know what the trophy will be, but I think it should be at least an extra personal day, right?

Day #687

8:33 AM:  When Grace has a question for me, she just starts talking without even checking that I’m listening. I had my headphones in, but I saw the top of her head turned my way, so I paused my podcast and took out my headphones…

Me: I’m sorry, what was that Grace?

Grace: Do you have the password for our LinkedIn account?

Me: No, it’s your own password. Your personal account has been granted admin access.

Grace: Oh. Hmmm. Usually when I click on the LinkedIn link, it just takes me right to the page.

Me: Right, but it appears you’ve been signed off. So you’ll have to sign in using your personal email and password.

Grace: Hmm. Now that’s a good question…

I just slowly sat down while she said “Hmmmmmmmm” aloud to herself.  Continue reading

Day #686

8:03 AM: I walked in to Mrs. O’Leary and Roseanne Barr are shouting across the aisle to each other, with complete disregard for their neighbors…

Roseanne Barr: So you got the refrigerator?

Mrs. O’Leary: Yeah. It’s a top-and bottom, though. Not a side-by-side. So you’ve got the freezer on top and the refrigerator on bottom.

Roseanne Barr: Ok, yeah.

Because she’s seen a fucking refrigerator before…

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Day #681

9:25 AM: I don’t often initiate conversations with my colleagues, but today was a different story because I just saw Hamilton and I know Carson Kressley really wants to see it, but hasn’t been able to get tickets.

Me: On an unrelated matter, we saw Hamilton last night.

Phyllis: You saw HAMILTON?!

Carson Kressley [rolling his eyes]: Well, he’s in the subscriber package or whatever it’s called, so he gets preferential treatment.

Phyllis: How was it?!

Me: Really good. I was so impressed.

Carson Kressley: Well, I’ll definitely see it, but once it’s not $500 per ticket.


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