8:50 AM: Carson Kressley walked to his cubicle from the kitchen holding a doughnut…
Carson Kressley: There are doughnuts in the kitchen if anyone wants one…
Phyllis: Oh! Are they marked?
Carson Kressley: Are they marked? What do you…
Phyllis: Does it say they’re from a store?
Carson Kressley: Oh. Yes, they’re from Dunkin Donuts.
Phyllis: Okay. I was asking because the Amish ladies are selling doughnuts on my walk from the train.
Carson Kressley: Well, I didn’t realize there were Amish women who sold doughnuts.
Phyllis: Yep. And you know, two days in a row now I’ve been in the elevator with young girls from different floors and they realize that it’s one of their anniversaries working wherever they work. They say, “Oh, today marks me third year working here!” and the other girls will say “Oh, we should have gotten doughnuts or something to celebrate!” But I feel like, if it’s your anniversary, you should bring in doughnuts as a sign that you like these people.
Carson Kressley: See, I would think that if it’s your anniversary, people should bring in things to thank you for being here.
And this, readers, perfectly sums up their worldviews. Phyllis believes she should be appreciative of those around her and show generosity to them. Carson Kressley believes he should be celebrated because he is a precious gift and he shits sprinkles.
10:05 AM: Grace never saves anything to the shared folders, so I had to sit at her desk to fix the mistake she made on the YouTube video. The layer of makeup caked to her mouse was so thick and sticky that I used hand sanitizer and a Kleenex before I could use it without gagging. The color of the mouse changed significantly from a cloudy tan color to a shiny black. There isn’t enough soap in the world.
12:06 PM: Carson Kressley has strong feelings about other peoples’ feelings…
Carson Kressley: Have you heard about this crash in Hoboken?
Phyllis: Yeah. It ran through the train station?
Carson Kressley: Yeah, details are still emerging, but I’m reading an interview with a guy who said he saw the train run over a woman and then he said “it bothered me.” YOU THINK?!
Phyllis: Oh gosh. Is she dead?
Carson Kressley: I don’t know. I just am surprised he felt the need to say he was “bothered” when he saw someone die. Of course you’re affected!
1:05 PM: Roseanne Barr is on the phone. I’m not sure with whom or about what, but she said, “I’m going to drop this like a hot potato, baby.” Hopefully she’s talking about dropping some sick burns.
1:35 PM: One of the people who works remotely is in the office and complimented Mrs. O’Leary on her hair. Rather than saying “thank you” for the compliment, she groaned and launched into a lengthy diatribe against her own follicles…
Ugh. The cut that I have now just didn’t work with my hair… I do want to keep my bangs. I’ve been meaning to get it cut for the last month. I just don’t know what cut to go with… I hated the last cut I got. It didn’t work with my hair and my hair didn’t work with it… You know, it looks straight because it’s long, but it’s actually pretty wavy. It has a fair amount of body… I just hate it. I don’t know what to do with it…
1:45 PM: The other woman in Mrs. O’Leary’s “conversation” has not spoken much, but her rant has now turned to the topic of her mother’s condo…
You know, it’s just a pain. My siblings and I are trying to get rid of it. Our mother had a balance on her mortgage when she died and we’re never going to be able to get that amount of money for the condo. There have been so many short sales and foreclosures in the building that the units have just lost all their value… And my siblings and I are dealing with the bank, but in the meantime, we’re trying to clear it out. I have an organization coming to pick up the furniture this week… But one of the most frustrating parts has been trying to get my mother’s name off of all these mailing lists for charities and catalogs and other organizations. I can’t tell you how many phone calls I’ve made and letters I’ve sent, but it’s not doing any good! I just want to tell them “Stop sending this crap!”
One nagging call from Mrs. O’Leary would be enough to get me to stop whatever the hell I was doing. I feel like I’ve been on a 668-day flight where my cubicle is the plane and Mrs. O’Leary is the crying baby behind me.
4:18 PM: We had a bi-weekly team meeting, which is a time for Gordon Ramsay to vent his contempt about our organization, the people we work for and the world in general….
Carson Kressley: I am working on a how-to guide for this [quarterly document we email to thousands of people]
Gordon Ramsay: Well, I don’t know if it’s worth putting that much time into it, considering we do it four times a year and it’s not even meant to be read.
Me: I’ve put a good deal of research into the best way to store and archive these files, per Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin’s instructions. I’ve worked with IT to make sure it will work with our new system.
Gordon Ramsay: At the end of the day, we’re just doing this to check a box. I wouldn’t say this is something worth investing time in.
BUT… There was a parting of his grimaced face that almost resembled a smile during this exchange…
Gordon Ramsay: I’ve been told that we will have a holiday party this year, as we have in years past. But given that we are operating on a shoestring budget, where that party will be, I do not know.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Maybe Burger King.
Gordon Ramsay: If only we were that lucky!
Carson Kressley: Well, that would be a way to save money.
Gordon Ramsay: I loooove Burger King.
Gordon Ramsay. He’ll shit talk his employees’ work, but he has great things to say about the King.