8:32 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has already come to speak to me at my cubicle twice today. His energy level is at a 10 and I haven’t finished my coffee yet. His upcoming Daddy-Daughter Weekend must be putting an extra pep in his step.
8:57 AM: Grace just banged her mouse on her desk and said “Dammit!” My guess: She forgot her Diet Coke at home. How’s she supposed to have her mid-morning soda?!
9:22 AM: There have been changes made to the door to the women’s restroom, which I can see and hear from my desk…
Carson Kressley: Okay, why are the women suddenly slamming the doors to the restroom?
Phyllis: They’re not. The strike piece seems to be removed. So it’s really hard to get the door open and it slams closed.
Carson Kressley: Oh, I assumed the slow-close mechanism was broken.
Phyllis: No, they took some piece off the door and now it’s really loud.
Carson Kressley: Well, it’s bad enough we can hear the toilets flushing all day. But now we have to hear the door get pushed open and slammed shut every time someone goes to the bathroom.
Hey Carson Kressley, why don’t you bring in your toolbox tomorrow and fix it? Oh, that’s right, you’d rather just sit at your desk and complain about it.
11:07 AM: Someone has created a makeshift door damper for the women’s room. It appears to be a piece of cardboard wrapped in paper towels that’s been taped to the door jamb. Good news is we no longer hear the sound of the door slamming (or Carson Kressley’s complaints about the door slamming), but the door is now perpetually propped open, meaning the sound of the toilet flushing is louder than ever. Some of these ladies are frequent flushers.
11:17 AM: Grace piped up with a pressing question…
Grace: Do you have the social media statistics in your files?
Me: What statistics?
Grace: You know, how many likes, how many followers…
Me: Yeah, those are all in the weekly reports we get from Gordon Ramsay.
Grace: Right, I’m looking for those weekly reports, but I delete those. Are they saved anywhere?
Me: Yep. They’re saved in the folder called “Weekly Reports.”
Grace: Oh, great! Exactly what I’m looking for! Thank you!
I’m amazed Grace manages to feed herself without chewing up and swallowing the fork.
12:24 PM: Phyllis and Carson Kressley are full ideas about how to improve our building and our floor…
Phyllis: You know, they said they’re painting our conference rooms. Why don’t they paint the elevator lobby? Right now, the doors open and it looks like the basement of a Macy’s.
Carson Kressley: I’ve noticed a lot of the other floors have nice, open lobbies. Ours is just painted white. Just plain white.
Phyllis: Why couldn’t they have used some wallpaper or some color or something.
Carson Kressley: And that company on the 13th floor has wood paneling and their logo in red and its got the backlighting. That is nice.
Phyllis: Exactly! We could have done something nice, but we just have this off white.
Funny they see a plain white wall when the doors open. For me, the doors open and I see big, red letters that say “Go back. Escape while you still can.”
12:31 PM: The makeshift door damper has fallen to the ground. Carson Kressley took note, saying, “Well, sounds like the little device didn’t work.” and now he’s back to scoffing every time the door slams.
12:54 PM: Maintenance is here to fix the door.
1:02 PM: Grace returned from the art store and informed Phyllis that they do, in fact, still sell rubber cement (a conversation I apparently missed)…
Phyllis: What were you buying at the art store?
Grace: Well, I take art classes at the park district. I have for years.
Phyllis: What medium do you use?
Grace: I do anything! It’s kind of an open studio, so I’ve done oil, watercolor, ceramics… I’m drawing now.
Phyllis: Were you the only one in there without purple hair? Or a nose piercing?
Grace: Actually, it’s an older crowd. I think I’m the only one in there who’s not retired.
Carson Kressley: So, do you have particular subjects you like to depict?
Grace: Right now, I’m doing a pastel drawing of one of our late dogs to give to my husband for Christmas. I took a picture of this leaf out in the park and drew it. Here’s my pencil drawing.
Okay. It’s actually pretty good. It looks like a photo. She must have used that eye for creativity when she padded her resume… “Let’s see. I could add a little more management experience here… And a little more computer literacy down here… Oh, I almost forgot to color in a master’s degree!”
3:46 PM: The new lady who sits within earshot of me just ended a phone call and started a conversation with her colleague from the other side of the cubicle wall…
Lady 1: Okay, do you want to discuss that project?
Lady 2: Yeah, but can I go to the bathroom first?
Lady 1: No you can not.
Lady 2: Well then we’re going to have a puddle here.
Lady 1: As long as it’s on your side.
Lady 2: You might not get wet, but I bet you wouldn’t like the smell.
Am I listening to two old ladies, or to two college bros having a urine standoff?