8:20 AM: It’s raining outside. The sky is pitch black and looks like Armageddon. Unrelated, the lights in one of our office hallways were never turned on this morning. So, when Wanda Sykes tried to turn them on, she mistakenly flipped the wrong switch and turned the lights off in the main part in the office.
There was a moment of bedlam as these old ladies thought the rain had taken out the power. I heard gasps coming from cubicles across the office. The lights came back on and I heard someone say “Phew,” as if she feared she’d be stuck here in the dark all day.
I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if, during that moment of darkness, Mrs. O’Leary somehow changed into her commuter shoes, packed up her snacks in her zebra print backpack, and walked out with her middle fingers up, saying “Good luck, fuckers!”
9:50 AM: The most egregious violation of basic courtesy in this office is how people monopolize counter space in the kitchen. There are roughly 90 people here and only 4 feet of open counter space.
Today, I was patiently waiting to refill my water bottle with ice and water from the sink, but there was a young lady who spent six minutes (I looked at the clock) to carefully wash out her breakfast container, her coffee mug, and her French press device. Then, after washing them, she carefully dried them off one-by-one while the others were left in the sink.
One day, I’m going to put a sign on the sink that says “Out of order. We provided a bucket for your washin'” and refill my bottle whenever I want.
10:36 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin is getting a status check on a project Grace is working on…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Have you gotten any input from the marketing department.
Grace: No, I’m still waiting on that.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: We’ve already gotten input from the other departments that are providing content?
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: No, sorry. I’m asking.
Grace: I do have the things that have been sent to me already.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Okay , and those are….?
Imagine Grace approaching an elementary school math problem… Teacher: Grace, if you have three quarters and you ask for someone to exchange them for nickels, how many nickels would you have? Grace: Well, I’d have three quarters worth of nickels!
1:05 PM: Although the rain has dissipated, Phyllis is concerned for the future. She called her friend from across the office to confirm they’d be going on their 1 o’clock walk today…
Hey, you wanna go out?… Yeah, let’s give it a shot… But it looks like another wave might be comin’, so wear your umbrella.
Weathergirl Phyllis should be on the local news. “If you’re plannin’ to go out for an afternoon walk, you’re gonna need to wear your galoshes over your walking shoes!”
2:08 PM: Before heading out to lunch, Carson Kressley asked Phyllis if it was warm enough to go out without his jacket. Phyllis said yes. 40 minutes later, he came back with an attitude and told Phyllis, “I wouldn’t say it’s warm out. I was quite chilly sitting out there and reading.” Phyllis apologized for misleading him. He forgave her, put on his jacket, and sat down at his desk, rubbing his hands together to warm them.