8:42 AM: Roseanne Barr has leftovers from her birthday spread yesterday. She’s carefully arranged them all on a tray on her desk. Wanda Sykes came over to have a treat…
Wanda Sykes: I’m coming over to get one of these almond cookies you made. You know I love anything with almond.
Roseanne Barr: Yeah, these are so good. And they were so easy to make. I was thinking… America Ferrara loves Nutella. I could make these with Nutella.
Wanda Sykes: Nutella? Now why you gonna go ruin it for everybody just to make her happy? Stick with the almond.
If Wanda Sykes isn’t happy, NO ONE IS HAPPY.
8:52 AM: Our IT Director is a menace. He’s a gigantic former football player who walks around with earbuds in at all times. When we cross paths, he says things like, “Smile, why dontcha?” and “How’s it goin’ trouble?” In my 659 days here, I’ve never caused “trouble,” but when he tells me to smile, it makes me want to burn this place to the ground.
9:35 AM: There was a loud crashing sound on Grace’s side of the cubicle wall, followed by the sound of something rolling. At this point, Grace playing with a bowling ball at her desk is not outside the realm of possibility.
10:26 AM: Carson Kressley stood up to deliver “breaking” news that I saw 33 minutes ago because what else do I have to do…
Carson Kressley: There is big celebrity news today. I just checked CNN… Brad Pitt. And Angelina Jolie. Are divorcing.
Carson Kressley: Didn’t you think they were going to be together for a long time?
Phyllis: Even if they weren’t getting along, they were such busy people. They’ve got six kids. They have all their volunteer work and travel. How do you have time to even disagree on anything?
Carson Kressley: It’s the big, top story on CNN. Angelina Jolie files for divorce.
Phyllis: It’s kind of like when Susan Sarandon broke up with what’s his name, that Tim something…
Carson Kressley: Or Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise! They were together for a long time too!
Phyllis: Who’s next?! Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks? Maybe Matt Damon’s been married a long time? No, I think he’s younger. Okay, now I have to google how old Matt Damon and Brad Pitt are. Brad Pitt is 52. Matt Damon is 45. Okay, guess how much younger Angelina Jolie is than Brad Pitt. 11 years younger! Guess where he’s from. Shawnee, Oklahoma! They’ve only been married 2 years. He divorced Jennifer in ’05. Because they did the Mr. and Mrs. Smith in ’05. She broke up somebody else before. She was like the Elizabeth Taylor of her age.
Carson Kressley: She was with Billy Bob Thornton for a while.
Phyllis: With the blood viles!
Carson Kressley: Yeah, yuck!
Phyllis: Now I’m seeing pictures of his plastic surgery. I wonder if plastic surgery is a precursor to divorcing your wife.
Carson Kressley: You should check Wikipedia. They are usually updated so quickly. It’s amazing people have time to go and update their Wikipedia profiles!
Phyllis: Okay, I’ll check that too… Let’s see… Professional life, humanitarian work, filmography, OK, here we go. Personal life. Oh, he was engaged to Gwyneth Paltrow? Wow, he’s another one who dates his costars. It doesn’t appear to be updated though.
Carson Kressley: Well, you heard it here first!
One day, Phyllis is going to get sucked in to a Wikipedia wormhole and she’ll never return. They’ll search for her, but all they’ll find are her ceramic teapot and the walking shoes she keeps under desk.
10:39 AM: The Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie conversation was over. Everyone was silent. And then…
Phyllis: Carson Kressley, how long before the new girlfriend shows up?
Carson Kressley: The girlfriend of which one?
Phyllis: [Chokes on her tea]
Carson Kressley: I’m serious! She’s had one or two high profile lesbian relationships.
Phyllis: But seriously. After 11 years, it has to be a third person.
Phyllis is on girlfriend watch. Remember that show Cheaters? It should have been hosted by a nosy Midwestern grandma. Just imagine the footage from the stakeout van, “Oh, there goes your boyfriend comin’ outta her apartment. Ya know, I always thought he was a cheater. Since that time he wore that big shiny-lookin’ thumb ring. And he never buttons the second button on dem shirts he wears. That’s how you know he’s gonna be a cheater. And he said he liked that Kanye West fella. Thought he was ‘talented.’ That’s how ya know he can’t be trusted.”
11:29 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is now on the phone with her aunt, discussing the same sister she disparaged on the phone yesterday afternoon…
I called the banker’s office yesterday and apologized for her behavior. I said she’s a rogue individual if you know what I mean. I said no emails should go to her. And the lady said he’ll probably call me today, but I haven’t heard from him yet. But I’m guessing he’s probably royally P.O.’d…
You know, that’s her. Shes going to do what she wants to do and everybody else be damned. But I’ll tell you, that money, and its disbursement is MINE. That money was passed directly to me and I’m under no legal obligation to split it with anyone… Katherine isn’t thinking along those terms. It’s like, “Katherine, I don’t give a flying fuck. You’re not going to see a dime of that money if you pull another stunt like that.”…
But let her learn that the hard way. Of course, she doesn’t ever learn anything, not even the hard way. Frankly, I want to tell Katherine, “if you keep up this bullshit, I’m going to take your percentage and donate it right to the children’s hospital. Keep it up. It’s like, who do you think you are? You delusional idiot.” She is so delusional. You know, she’s so unbelievably diluted about herself, it’s just so sad….
It just kills me to think that Katherine has all this time during her work day to make all these calls and do all this and it’s not even any of her concern…
Yes, Mrs. O’Leary, it’s clear to everyone in the office that work days are meant for working, not for calling bankers or family members to shit talk other family members…
1:41 PM: Phyllis has returned from lunch with a small plant…
Phyllis: I found out it’s national Indoor Plant Day!
Grace: Oh wow!
Phyllis: Yeah, they were handing out plants on the street!
Grace: You know, last week, I read it was National Jelly Doughnut Day!
Phyllis: Can you believe the things they come up with? It wasn’t just National Doughnut Day, it was National Jelly Doughnut Day. And today isn’t just National Plant Day, it’s National Indoor Plant Day!
For Phyllis, every day is National Mundane Conversation Day.
2:16 PM: Roseanne Barr gets an email alert whenever someone on staff has maxed out their computer’s memory. She emailed me…
I just got an email alert with a subject of “low disk space” from Grace. I’m guessing she puts everything on her c: drive, and if memory serves me, this happened before and she was told to use her folder on the shared drive. How hard is it to save to the network, you can even set your default to whatever drive you want to automatically save to.
I don’t know Roseanne Barr, how hard is it to make sure that you don’t click “Publish” when you’re not supposed to be posting to YouTube? How hard is it to double check that you’re sending a Tweet from your personal account and not your company’s? Grace’s answer to these questions is: It’s hard.
4:14 PM: I somehow got wrapped in to an email chain about Grace’s storage issues…
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Grace, I got an alert from IT that your computer had too much saved on it. Can you both please be sure to save your video files on Box.com and remove them from your computer?
Grace: I have mine in Box and on my desktop. I’ll delete the ones from my desktop.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Great.
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin [in another email]: Can you please send me the login information?
Grace: [Sends login information]
Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: This is the correct information for Box.com? It looks like the login for YouTube.
Grace: No, this is correct.
Why am I on this email chain? I don’t save shit to my desktop. Why didn’t Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin actually try logging in before verifying it’s the correct login information? Is it rude if I reply “UNSUBSCRIBE”?