Day #658

8:03 AM: We’re celebrating Roseanne Barr’s birthday today. Because she bakes for everyone on a weekly basis, we’re all contributing a big spread for her big day. The birthday festivities provide much to talk about…

  • Wanda Sykes (new character now featured on Cast of Characters page) made the most delicious mini pound cakes. I’ve had these before. They’re like a vanilla glaze-covered cloud and I want to eat all of them.
  • Wanda is loudly telling everyone that Roseanne Barr is turning 62. She’s not. She’s somewhere in her later 50’s. Roseanne said, “I’m not 62, but I wish I was because that would put me that much closer to retirement.”
  • America Ferrara made some blueberry stuff. Not interested because blueberries are not worth my time.
  • Roseanne Barr is not taking any shit today…

“I already sent an email to HR. I told her today’s my birthday and I can’t help it if people come over to tell me happy birthday. If my friends want to come over and wish me a happy birthday, I’m not going to send them away. This happens once a fuckin’ year.”

  • I thoroughly enjoy that Carson Kressley will be walking past this spread throughout the day and eyeing it longingly.
  • Roseanne Barr gave me a Ziploc bag to take a mini pound cake home to the husband. She said, “Seriously. Take one. I don’t give a shit about most of the people in here anyway. I want these to go to people I like.”

8:34 AM: Grace waddled in 34 minutes later than she’s supposed to be here. She typically arrives at 8:15, but she’s been getting here later and later. Not sure how she gets away with it, but I admire that she doesn’t even try to hide it. She strolls in, smiles and wishes everyone a cheery “Good Morning!” like Belle at the beginning of Beauty and Beast. In this scenario, I’m the cranky old townsperson who grumbles about how “her head’s up on some cloud.”


8:55 AM: Roseanne Barr told Wanda Sykes to lower her voice to avoid any trouble with HR, so Wanda Sykes started cackling louder to make sure everyone could hear.


9:34 AM: Roseanne Barr’s report to HR is now kind of a running joke with her friends around the office. They’re coming over to her desk one-by-one and sarcastically saying things like “I better not be too loud,” and “I’m gonna whisper so I don’t get you in any trouble.” Old ladies can be pretty funny.


11:04 AM: Phyllis is on the phone with a child of hers. I just overheard, “No, they did genetic testing. It’s a genetic thing. Since I don’t have it, you don’t have it.” Not sure what they’re talking about, but my money is on a third nipple.


11:23 AM: Phyllis is now talking to her friend. Apparently when she got married and moved in to an apartment with her husband, there were No. Kitchen. Cabinets. Just a pantry. “Everything was in there. The spices were next to the cookie sheets and the toaster. It was a mess.” You know, Phyllis, there are people in this world who don’t even have cookie sheets.


12:38 PM: Grace has made a mistake. And it’s not just her outfit. Here’s how it went down…

  1. Grace is scheduled to post a video to our company YouTube page next week. Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin emailed us both and asked her to post it next Tuesday.
  2. I noticed this morning that she had already posted it.
  3. I emailed Grace and Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin to tell them “The video appears to have been posted already. I can adjust the calendar moving forward.”
  4. Phil Dunphy became concerned. He checked the YouTube channel, but by the time he got there, Grace had noticed her mistake and deleted it. But I had a screenshot.
  5. So Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin, not knowing his ass from his elbow when it comes to the internet, thought I was seeing things.
  6. I clarified that the video was there for 40+ minutes and has since been deleted.

In psychology, the concept of object permanence is defined as “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.” The concept is generally understood to be fully developed in a human infant by the age of eight months. This stage of Grace’s cognitive development appears to be ongoing.


1:31 PM: Just received an email from IT. They reversed the change they made last week. So now, our computers will be automatically logged off after 10 minutes, rather than 5. Phyllis, who was very frustrated with the 5-minute cutoff, read the email and said, “Carson Kressley, they answered my prayers!”


1:50 PM: In an effort to avoid trouble with HR, Roseanne Barr and Wanda Sykes are currently gossiping in the copy room. Someone grabbed something off the printer and had to say “excuse me” to get them to move out of the way.


3:16 PM: Roseanne Barr is packing up all her snacks so no one (Ahem, Carson Kressley) takes them after she leaves the office. She’s trying to do it quietly, but because she can’t do anything quietly, she dropped a large plastic tray on her desk and made a big crashing sound. Then she said, “SHIT! I’m making a mess!”


3:43 PM: “Well, so much for this piece of crap. Oh, for crying out loud… Come on. Come on! COME! ON! Piece of shit,” said the cranky old man as he tried to figure out the copy machine.


4:10 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone with the bank to take some swings at her sister. She’s not holding back…

I want to send my sincerest apologies for my sister Katherine. It has been reiterated time and time and time again that I’m the contact. She’s kind of a rogue individual if you know what I mean… Communications shouldn’t go to her. They should come to me moving forward. I can’t imagine the mess she must have left after she called. I don’t even know how she got your contact info… I’ve told her a million times that I’m the one who deals with these things. I’m very, very embarrassed by her actions and I sincerely apologize.

Damn. Katherine better start sleeping with one eye open.

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