Day #655

8:11 AM: Mrs. O’Leary called her brother, the one she’s previously called “good-for-nothing” and “lazy ass,” and was surprisingly cheerful. Pleasant, even…

“Hey bud! You picked up your phone! Well, I was just wondering if you’re comin’ over to Mom’s this weekend to pick up your stuff. Okay, great! And would you mind helping me bring some things over to the dry cleaner? Alrighty then! I’ll see ya tomorrow!”

Mrs. O’Leary is a two-faced bitch and I am here for it. 


8:45 AM: Grace and Phyllis are both out today. It might be a quiet one.


9:43 AM: There’s a man here, who has the title Director and leads an entire department, who reeks of the unmistakable odor of Axe Body Spray. The cloud of teenage musk that follows him reminds me of the kids in high school who called themselves the P.D.K. (Penis-Drawing Klan) and would draw penises in permanent marker on various surfaces around the school.


10:47 AM: Just finished a 45-minute team meeting that included at least 25 minutes of Gordon Ramsay venting about our company and the people we serve. I spend these meetings waiting for them to be over, but Carson Kressley apparently appreciates the opportunity to be away from his desk, because he always asks a lot of open questions. “What do people have to say about that new policy?” and “Why is that?” Why is it that you must extend my misery, Carson Kressley?! I have a blog to write.


11:55 AM: Gordon Ramsay took  a half day to go to the baseball game. When he does this, he closes his office door for a few minutes and then appears wearing a baseball hat, a baseball jersey, cargo shorts and flip flops. Then he tries to make a break for it without anyone seeing what he’s wearing, but he’s a loud flip flop-walker, so he puts his head down, and walks all the way down the hall and everyone looks up when they hear FLIP- FLOP-FLIP-FLOP-FLIP-FLOP all the way to the door. Maybe next time maybe just stick your flip flops in your cargo pockets and walk out barefoot.


3:14 PM:  Yesterday’s popcorn is still on the wall of my cubicle. I offered some to Phil Dunphy’s cousin…

Me: There’s still some popcorn if you’re interested!

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Oh. Ha. I can’t. And I shouldn’t! [patting his belly]. But Carson Kressley will have some!

Carson Kressley: I’ve already had my fill

(He has had quite a bit.)

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Carson Kressley, you’re one of the fittest people I know. You can splurge on some popcorn!

Carson Kressley: Not anymore. I’ve really let myself go these past couple years.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Is that because of time, age, diet…?

Carson Kressley: All of the above, I guess.

There was a very pregnant silence. Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin then just slowly walked into his office and Carson Kressley turned back around to face his computer.


4:20 PM: Carson Kressley just made a dinner reservation. For two. At 7:15. Here’s to hoping he gets laid and comes in to the office on Monday with a new outlook on life.

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