Day #654

8:51 AM: Carson Kressley arrived in the office with a chip on his shoulder…

Carson Kressley: Did your phone update overnight?

Phyllis: Maybe, I don’t know.

Carson Kressley: Oh. You. Would. Know.

Phyllis: What’s the difference?

Carson Kressley: They changed everything. Even the way you unlock your phone is different!

Phyllis: What!? How do you unlock your phone now?

Carson Kressley: Now, when you go to unlock your phone, it just shows you your appointments and the news. 

Phyllis: So how do you unlock it?

Carson Kressley: It took me a very long time to figure out. But you have to push the home button.

Phyllis: Does it tell you that’s how you unlock it? Like how mine says “Swipe to unlock”?

Carson Kressley: Yes, but in the tiniest little font all the way at the bottom.

This is what Carson Kressley does. He comes out hot and then backtracks. He’s like a kid who, when pressed by his mother to confess to an indiscretion, would say, “I swear I didn’t write on the walls, I didn’t even have any crayons!… Well, I had the crayons in my pocket… Well, no, I took them out, but just for a minute!… Well, yeah, I did hold them up to the wall, but I didn’t write… Um. Yeah, I was trying to draw a dragon.”

9:15 AM: Mrs. O’Leary has taken a call from her Aunt. Here is a selection of what I can hear on this end of the phone…

It’s funny that you’re asking because everyone keeps calling me and asking and I keep saying “If I knew something, I’d tell ya. So quit askin’!”…

You know, my brother still has boxes and boxes of stuff at Mom’s house. We told him to be cleared out, but we were looking around in the closets and realized, “Wow, he’s sure got a lot of crap still here, doesn’t he?”…

We can give him this money, but we need to tell him “Listen, this is an early birthday gift, but it’s time you get your act together.” But honestly, when has he ever gotten his act together?…

Oh yeah, I would love to see that. I really like that young guy. Joseph Gordon Levitt. I hope it’s a different tone with this director. It’s directed by that Oliver Stone. Some of his other movies kind of give me a headache. You know, they have that moving camera that jumps around and I kind of get a headache… Do you have HBO? There was a really, really good documentary, in fact I think it won the Academy Award, and it’s with that real Snowden guy. And how he finally came to contact… Who was the writer he called?… I don’t know, I can’t remember because it’s been a while… You can tell he’s a smart guy… But I really like that Joseph Gordon Levitt… You know Patty, he’s not in a lot of movies you may have seen. Lots of independent movies. Many years ago, he was in that show called 30 Rock with John Lithgow. It was actually pretty funny. It’s about them trying to survive on earth as they’re actually really aliens. It was pretty darn funny. You’d have to pull up his bio… Oh, Sully is out too!

They are just jam packed with Aunt Pat activities… You are a busy beaver! Alright, duty calls! See ya, bye!

Try saying “Jam packed with Aunt Pat activities” five times fast. You can’t do it! I’m not very confident that Mrs. O’Leary’s brother is going to use this money wisely. I hope he proves me wrong.

10:31 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin was walking by and Grace stopped him to… ask a question?… I can’t even tell…

Grace: I know this Board member is in Mexico.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Yes, he is.

Grace: Well, he sent me the proposal for the one conference.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Proposal?

Grace: Yes, he sent it back.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: We don’t have any proposals out. Do you mean he sent you the presentation?

Grace: Yes! That’s it. The presentation. Well, he sent it back, but he didn’t send me the other one I need from him.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: I went back through your email chain that you forwarded and it seems that at some point in the exchange you got the names of these two conferences reversed.

Grace: Yep.

Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin: Right, so that has led to some confusion.

Grace: Yeah, it’s confused me too!

Grace nearly burned her house down last year when she turned on the oven to preheat and forgot she put a plastic cutting board inside. When the fire department came and wondered why she put a plastic cutting board in the oven, I imagine said “Yeah, it’s confused me too!”

12:00 PM: The new woman who sits two rows over from me just sneezed in the most disgusting fashion. It sounded like she sneezed and then an organ fell out of her mouth and landed on her desk with a splat. The other lady who sits across from her said a simple, “Bless you,” but a big part of me expected to hear a scream of horror and someone shout “Call 911! Her lung’s hangin’ out her mouth!”

12:18 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is eating a full-size bag of popcorn. It’s a very noisy affair. She brings the popcorn back to her desk and shakes the bag vigorously to get the kernels to go to the bottom. Then she somehow manages to open it very slowly while also making a lot of noise. She crunches on every individual piece with her mouth open until she empties the bag.

3:21 PM: The smell of Mrs. O’Leary’s popcorn made me crave it, so I went to the local popcorn shop and bought a bag to share with my teammates. I stood up, asked if they would like any popcorn, and they all looked at me like I had just offered them $100 each…

Grace: Wow!

Phyllis: That is SO nice!

Carson Kressley: Yum!

Me: Do you guys want some before I put it in the kitchen to share?

Phyllis: The kitchen?!

Carson Kressley: Don’t put it in the kitchen! It’s not going to expire if you leave it in your desk overnight! We can have some tomorrow!

Phyllis: Yeah, I wouldn’t put it in the kitchen.

[We circulate the bag and everyone takes some]

Carson Kressley (who took the biggest helping of anyone): Well, it looks like there’s a lot left. If you’re going to put it in the kitchen, I’ll take some more beforehand.

Me: I was going to walk it over to Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin and see if he wanted any…

Carson Kressley: Oh, okay. As long as you’re not going to leave all that out there for everyone else.

The bag is now sitting on the wall on top of my cubicle. I didn’t have the guts to take it in to the kitchen (the horror!) after the reaction I got from my teammates.

3:29 PM: The team has been crunching on popcorn for no less than 10 minutes and Carson Kressley already has a complaint:

Carson Kressley: Well, now the problem is it gets stuck in your teeth.

Phyllis: [opening and closing her desk drawer] Well, should I leave some of these tooth flossers out for everyone?!

3:33 PM: Carson Kressley has taken seconds. As he dumped the popcorn into his giant bowl, he asked “So…. What did you get us to drink?”



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