8:07 AM: There are some items available for free in our office’s kitchen. Readers, please let me know if you’d like any of the following offerings:
- Tropical-themed stationary and matching envelopes, set of 10.
- Christmas-themed mug, featuring a Christmas bell and decorative branches.
- Sassy mug that reads, “An attitude is a terrible thing to waste.” A rudimentary online search tells me the retail value of this mug is $12.
Maybe one of the old ladies from the other side of the office died and her friends are clearing out the valuable items from her cubicle. God rest her soul. I hope she didn’t waste her attitude.
9:43 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has a big weekend coming up. His wife goes out of town on Friday, Sept. 23. He drops his son off at Boy Scout camp on the morning of Sept. 24. That leaves him with just his 9-year-old daughter. He said, “I am really looking forward to that.” I appreciate that he looks forward to daddy-daughter time, but isn’t it sad that he’s just looking forward to the weekend because there will be fewer bodies in the house? Didn’t he decide to marry this woman and have both of these children?
9:55 AM: Carson Kressley asked if anyone else was having slow internet issues today. I am, but I didn’t say anything.
10:03 AM: Grace just got back to her desk after refilling her tea in the kitchen. She looked at her computer, saw that it had been logged off (because she was gone for more than 5 minutes) and said, “Was I gone that long?!” She’s always gone “that long.” Her walking pace is like someone who’s bringing up the rear in a walking tour of the U.S. Capitol. “Ma’am, we’re going to need you to stay with the group.”
1:21 PM: I’ve noticed that when Mrs. O’Leary goes outside for her smoke(s) breaks that she brings a legal pad with her. I thought to myself “Oh, that’s good. Maybe she makes some phone calls outside so she doesn’t bother us and she brings paper in case she takes notes.”
Today, I realized that she actually just brings it outside so she can sit on the concrete steps in front of the building without getting her ass dirty. Based on the phone conversations I overhear, her mouth is dirtier than those concrete steps.
1:41 PM: Phyllis has returned from lunch…
Carson Kressley: Was it hot out there? Or no?
Phyllis: It wasn’t cold. It wasn’t hot.
Carson Kressley: I’m so cold in here. I’m thinking of going outside just to warm up.
Carson Kressley: [rubbing his hands together violently] Yes, I’m shivering. I’ve been trying to drink tea just to warm me up.
Phyllis: Well, I’ve been warm. One of us must be getting sick. Here, let me use my hand sanitizer.
$10 says Phyllis brings Clorox wipes tomorrow to clean the germs from her desk.
1:56 PM: America Ferrara and Ellen Page are packing up their desks today to move to a different corner of the office. Carson Kressley walked past Ellen Page’s desk…
Carson Kressley: Are you moving? Where?
Ellen Page: Yes. Over there.
Phyllis: Oh. So this office will be empty. Maybe I’ll put in a word to get moved in to America Ferrara’s office.
Ellen Page: ……
Carson Kressley has asked to move to other desks twice already and he was denied both times. He thinks very highly of himself and believes he deserves an office. He doesn’t.
3:12 PM: I get back to my desk from lunch and Grace is waiting for me with a pressing question…
Grace: Hey, do you know where I could find these video files?
Me: Yeah. They’re in the shared folder where we save all the video files.
Grace: Okay… Let me open it up here…. Juuust to see… Make sure I see ’em… Yep! There they are! Thank you!
If, one day, Grace woke up and didn’t know where her nose was, she’d ask someone for help before she checked her own face.