9:39 AM: Carson Kressley and Phyllis are talking about some technical aspects of their job…
Carson Kressley: The new vendor for our database is asking about the format of our mailing lists. We usually send the mailing list as an Excel file, right?
Phyllis: Yes. It’s an Excel file.
Carson Kressley: Well, our new vendor is asking if we can send our mailing lists to the mailer as a CSV.
Phyllis: But we’ve always sent an Excel spreadsheet.
Carson Kressley: Right, but they’re asking if they can send it as a CSV because that’s the way the new database exports the information.
Phyllis: I’m not sure if they’ll be able to handle a C…S…V or whatever you’re saying.
Carson Kressley: I’ll email them and ask if they need it as a CSV or if an Excel file would be okay.
9:53 AM: Phyllis and Carson Kressley continue to blabber on. The conversation has now turned to sweet indulgences and the price they’re willing to pay…
Carson Kressley: I had a “come-to-Jesus” moment a few weeks ago. You know how I love donuts and I love sugar and sweets. I bought a $4 doughnut. That was my breaking point. I almost didn’t do it. I was actually angry at them. It was a GLAZED cake doughnut with cherry flavor on it. That’s it. Four. Dollars.
Phyllis: HOW MUCH IS A DOZEN?!?! Why the upcharge? Did it say it has U.S. cherries instead of Iranian cherries or something like that?
Carson Kressley: I almost said forget it, but I was committed at this point. That was my moment. I will no longer pay for these gourmet doughnuts.
Phyllis: You know, I went to have my first pumpkin spice down at Starbucks and I thought to myself, “This is good, but it’s not five dollars good.” I don’t even get the whipped cream!
Carson Kressley: Right. The prices are out of control. I go to the grocery store and I go to their bakery. It’s $1 per doughnut and they make them fresh every day. Whenever I get the craving, that’s where I’m going to go from now on. But yeah, that was my tipping point. Four. Dollars.
Phyllis: You’re better for it.
If you can’t buy a small-batch, handmade doughnut at a local small business for less than $4, what’s next?! They should be handing their products out for free!
10:08 AM: We had a fire drill. These are the highlights:
- Carson Kressley was on a conference call when the alarms started going off. No one in the office was talking, except for him yelling into his phone, “Excuse me. Guys. GUYS. I need to go. Our fire alarm is going off and I need to evacuate the office. I’m on the safety team!” He hung up the phone, reached into his cabinet and pulled out his neon yellow vest to lead us all to safety.
- There’s a lady from the other side of our office who is legit just wearing a T-shirt. It’s red-orange and pretty sure it’s a Jerzees brand. Our dress code is business casual.
- My old lady coworkers loved the jokes from the retired fireman who gave us our safety briefing. “If you work with someone under the age of 35, be sure to tell them to look up from their smartphones and listen to the overhead speakers.” LOLOL.
- Phyllis was impressed that the handrails in the stairwell are now painted with glow-in-the-dark paint.
- When the retired fireman asked if anyone had a disability that would make it hard for people to evacuate down the stairs, about six old ladies raised their hands. No one’s in a wheelchair, but they all limp. They’ve been advised to stand in the corner of a stairwell and wait for help.
- I was one of the first people to get back upstairs and into our office. Mrs. O’Leary was already walking out, cigarettes in hand. I’m not entirely sure she evacuated. I like to think that if there was actually a fire, she’d sit at her desk, light a cigarette, and make one, last, profanity-laced phone call to her family members. “Well, the building’s burning. I’m not doing this evacuation bullshit, so this is the end for me. It’s about fuckin’ time.”
I hope I never find myself needing to be saved by Carson Kressley. If we ever do have a fire, please pray for the six ladies who limp.
12:31 PM: America Ferrara is on a phone call speaking in her native tongue. I have no idea what that is. I wish there was a Shazam for languages so I could figure out where she comes from.
12:54 PM: Some of our board members are in the office for a meeting. When new people come to the office, they like to get a tour of the office. I just heard part of the tour. The guy giving the tour said, “Here’s legal back here, and meetings is over there, publications in that corner, and then [pointing to my area] various odds and ends in these cubicles over here.” And THAT, my friends, is how you boost employee morale.
3:24 PM: Over the weekend, our company implemented new settings on our computers and now they go to sleep automatically after 5 minutes of inactivity. Phyllis is having a hell of a time with it. She’s complained about it three times today. Most recently to Carson Kressley “I am now signing on to my computer for the seventh time today. I need to change to a shorter password. Do you think I could change it to ‘1’?”