8:12 AM: Phyllis walked in. Grace was about 90 seconds behind her. This conversation ensued…
Phyllis: Grace, you missed the company elevator! I was on the elevator with six of our coworkers and one other person.
Grace: You know, I saw you guys getting on the elevator. If I had hurried a little faster, I would have been able to get on with you guys, but then I thought “No, it’s Friday. Go on without me. I’ll catch up later.”
Phyllis: It was great. The six of us got off on our floor and then the last person got off on the next floor.
Grace: I love when that happens! I hate when you have to stop at every. single. floor. before getting to ours.
Phyllis: It’s my lucky day! I should go buy a lottery ticket.
Riding an elevator with that many coworkers would be my Vietnam, but I’d be happy for Phyllis if she won the lottery.
8:28 AM: I walked out of my cube and got a peak into Mrs. O’Leary’s snack drawer while she had it open. She had a giant box of saltine crackers, a box of microwave popcorn bags, two boxes of cereal, and three big bags of peanut M&M’s. Two were opened already. Why not open one, finish it, and then move on to the next? Why buy peanut M&M’s when peanut butter M&M’s are far superior? Maybe I’ll ask one day.
8:50 AM: Someone reported Roseanne Barr to HR for being too loud. She is loud. I sit right next to her, but I don’t give a shit. It’s Carson Kressley and Phyllis who really put up a stink about it. When she has loud conversations or laughs a lot, they passive aggressively huff and puff from their cubicles to let the world know they’re unhappy about the situation. This is the second time she’s been reported in two years and she had been reported before that. She came to my cube to give me the details…
Someone reported me again. For being too loud. My boss told America Ferrara, but he hasn’t told me yet because “he’s too scared.” Well, when he does tell me, I’m going to put up a real stink about it. Last time I was reported, I said “I want an investigation.” But they never did any type of investigation. So when they tell me now, I’m going to say “This is harassment. Someone’s reporting me over and over again, but you have no evidence.” I’m going to tell them I want them to put a camera up on my cubicle wall. Then we can watch the footage together and they can tell me when I’m being too loud. This is ridiculous. Mrs. O’Leary sits there on the phone all day and nobody reports her. Everybody knows all her business because she yells it into the phone! They’re going to see the crazy come out when they tell me I was reported.
9:51 AM: Mrs. O’Leary is on the phone talking about emptying out her deceased mother’s condo. “You know, my mom was real into that decorative tchotchke crap. You know, Halloween, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Fourth of July… All that crap that we had to box up and sell. But every time we do that it feels like we’re getting rid of a little piece of her.” Yes, Mrs. O’Leary. Sounds like you’ve got a real emotional connection to that “crap.”
11:56 AM: Roseanne Barr has some gossip for Mrs. O’Leary (likely about her noise complaint with HR). Mrs. O’Leary has now rolled her desk chair into Roseanne Barr’s cubicle, where they are both hunched over and whispering gossip. I admire their commitment to gossip and appreciate that, at this point, they don’t even pretend to work.
12:38 PM: Unprompted, Phyllis piped up with this question…
Phyllis: Carson Kressley, You’re not a midwesterner, so I have a question for you. In your youth, did you encounter eating peanut butter with apple slices?
Carson Kressley: No. I put it on celery, but never an apple.
Phyllis: My granddaughter was eating it the other day and her uncle saw and said “Well, I’ve never seen that in my life!”
Carson Kressley: Yeah, I can’t say I’ve ever had it.
Phyllis: Yeah! If you google it, there’s all kinds of pictures of people eating apples with peanut butter. And in the grocery store they sell it in those little packets. Apples. And Peanut Butter. Right there in the grocery store!
Carson Kressley: Hmmm.
Phyllis: So maybe it’s a regional thing.
Yes, Phyllis, I’m sure back in 1916, when George Washington Carver created peanut butter, he announced to the world that “Henceforth, apples and peanut butter will only be combined in the following states…”