Day #646

8:20 AM: Grace came in to the office looking frazzled. It’s 90 degrees outside and she said “I feel like I’ve already worked up a sweat!” I was tempted to respond, “Based on the sweat I see on your forehead, upper lip, and chest, I think you may have!”


8:43 AM: America Ferrara is back from maternity leave. People are flocking in to her office to welcome her back to hell. Something about the smile on her face tells me she’d rather be cleaning up baby shit than dealing with these people. Someone walked in to her office and she welcomed them with a hug and said “You didn’t need to bring me anything!” Meanwhile, over my shoulder:

Phyllis: Who’s in there? Who brought her something?

Carson Kressley: I don’t know who it is. But did he bring donuts?

Phyllis: I don’t know. I saw that someone brought her flowers earlier.

Carson Kressley: Well, I can’t eat flowers. But if there are donuts, maybe I should go say hello and welcome her back.


11:20 AM: Phyllis is on the phone wondering if she’ll be able to get $250 for a car that she apparently bought for $1,000. She has now discovered that Google tells you the “popular times” in its search results for some businesses. This particular business is busy from 1-2PM… “Can you believe what they’re able to tell you?”


1:08 PM: The weather has taken a turn for the worse. Phyllis usually goes for a walk with her friend from the other side of the office during her lunch break, but today she called her friend and said, “It’s pouring out. I’m skipping today.” She hung up her phone and announced to me and other nearby listeners that she will be “going down to the fish aquarium room or whatever it’s called.” She is now gone.


2:35 PM: Mrs. O’Leary is in the midst of a conversation about old movies. She’s a fan. Her favorite actor of all time is Humphrey Bogart. Humphrey Bogart died in 1957 and I imagine he still manages to have more life in his eyes than Mrs. O’Leary does.


3:10 PM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin came over to tell me I’ll need to be in the office for a 7:30AM meeting later this month. He informed me the early meeting time “won’t be so bad because at least we’ll be in jeans.” Casual Fridays always put a little pep in his step. For me, they’re just a reminder that I got to wear jeans every day at my old job.

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