Day #669

8:36 AM: Yesterday’s conversation about the holiday party prompted Phyllis to talk about a new bar where patrons partake in ax-throwing. Apparently it’s just what it sounds like. You drink beer and throw axes at a wooden target. At three points since Phyllis mentioned this yesterday in our 3 o’clock meeting, Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has had the same lame dad joke…

“I’m sure people in HR would love that!”

Actually, our HR lady probably would love to see us killed off.  Continue reading

Day #667

8:15 AM: Grace is on vacation for a week, but she left with a bang. Before leaving the office yesterday, she posted a video to our company’s YouTube page. Problem is she used a stock image that she never purchased and instead left it in the video with a bunch of watermarks saying “Shutterstock.”

I told Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin and he thinks we should leave it there without correcting it because the video has been Tweeted three times and it’s got 50 views, “which is a lot by our standards.”  Continue reading

Day #666

8:12 AM: I was in the kitchen, waiting for a line of women to finish washing their coffee cups in the sink so I could get some ice and water to quench my thirst. When there were two women left in the kitchen, they started talking…

Woman #1: Did you watch any of the debate?

Woman #2: No. I had better things to do with my time.

Woman #1: I forced myself to watch about 20 minutes of it. And I was just looking at it like, ‘Really??’ Continue reading

Day #665

8:21 AM: Roseanne Barr baked some mini cakes for us. She used her new baking pan she got as a birthday gift from Wanda Sykes last week. The cakes are in “cute little summer shapes. You’ve got your flip-flops, the sunglasses, an ice cream cone…” Didn’t have the heart to tell her the sunglasses look like a pair of boobs in a bikini. Continue reading

Day #662

8:20 AM: Mrs. O’Leary called her aunt and read an entire email from her sister. This is the sister who (as we learned on Day #659) interfered with the attorney who is handling their mother’s estate and is “so unbelievably diluted about herself.”…

Hey Aunt Ann. It’s Mrs. O’Leary. When I got up this morning, guess who I had an epic novella email from… Let me read it to you…

Mrs. O’Leary, 

Thank you for everything you’ve done. You’ve really shown your strength. I know you’ve tried hard – very hard – to be impartial and I’m hoping you will consider my thoughts now. I believe that too much time has been wasted as you’ve waited to hear back from the attorney. We really need you to move this strategy up. Continue reading

Day #661

8:32 AM: Phil Dunphy’s Lame Cousin has already come to speak to me at my cubicle twice today. His energy level is at a 10 and I haven’t finished my coffee yet. His upcoming Daddy-Daughter Weekend must be putting an extra pep in his step.


8:57 AM: Grace just banged her mouse on her desk and said “Dammit!” My guess: She forgot her Diet Coke at home. How’s she supposed to have her mid-morning soda?! Continue reading

Day #659

8:42 AM: Roseanne Barr has leftovers from her birthday spread yesterday. She’s carefully arranged them all on a tray on her desk. Wanda Sykes came over to have a treat…

Wanda Sykes: I’m coming over to get one of these almond cookies you made. You know I love anything with almond.

Roseanne Barr: Yeah, these are so good. And they were so easy to make. I was thinking… America Ferrara loves Nutella. I could make these with Nutella.

Wanda Sykes: Nutella? Now why you gonna go ruin it for everybody just to make her happy? Stick with the almond.

If Wanda Sykes isn’t happy, NO ONE IS HAPPY.  Continue reading